Help, dating feels like a humiliation ritual(M29)

For as long as I can remember, I was the awkward kid that did not really fit in. Understanding subtle things in everyday conversation, especially if I do not know the person yet feels like learning Chinese by listening to it.

In the past 10 years, I got the hang of keeping friendships, started working out, lost a lot of weight and got to a point now where I get attention from women.

But one thing did not change at all. I still do not understand the nuances of this first phase when getting to know someone. It feels like a minefield.

The feeling I get during this phase is the same I got back in the day when even normal interactions felt like too much. It feels like I am defective or just plain different.

I find myself going back to old patterns of putting the other person above myself. As if their impression of me defines my whole being.

Most of the time the interactions go like this: we meet and have a great time. After a while I realize that I like her more than just her looks (looks alone don't do it for me, I need a connection of some kind). I ask for her number, if my internal spiral of thoughts let's me do that. Often times it keeps me from opening my mouth, it's like a paralysis.

When texting I have even more problems deciphering the intent and my literal thinking takes over. This is where it all goes downhill, because at the same time I start liking her more than before.

Now we come to the hurt zone.

My head becomes obsessive about the girl / I get too enthusiastic and I go too fast (at least I think that is the case). Because now communication breaks down. Her replies get shorter and shorter, in my head I spiral and I feel like a little boy again.

Every time I just wish to never do this again, after the messages dry up I just feel hurt and want to retreat back into my shell.

I just don't know what to do. How can I stop this cycle? The things I am saying that bring the conversation to a halt just feel overbearing. I want to talk to her, tell her about stuff and ask her about her life. As soon as I get enthusiastic, it all goes downhill. My head gets so excited that it feels overbearing to not tell her the things I am thinking about.

My life is defined by these phases of enthusiasm and complete retreat. I don't wanna do this anymore.