losing my dream relationship due to infidelity

Almost a year ago, I was cheated on in my happiest, longest relationship. We had conflict like anyone does, but we always resolved things. I truly believed we both wanted to become better, for each other and ourselves. I listened when they hurt, I tried to learn from mistakes. I mostly felt they did the same for me. Eight months ago, I found out they'd been unfaithful. It was at one of the worst times of my life, if not the worst. My father figure; my grandfather had passed away, and then my best friend did, too. I always handled grief reasonably well, but it all hit me so fast. Then I learned about the infidelity, and everything just felt like it fell apart. I made bad decisions, I didn't want to be around anymore and made decisions to try and act on that, which I fortunately didn't succeed on thanks to my friends whom I love.

I've come a long way since then, I went to therapy and still go, I do group meetings for BPD support to better understand my ex and maybe, understand why they made these choices. I journal nonstop, if I'm not writing some kind of poetry or journaling, I'm drawing or working. Drawing was something i picked up not long ago to try and get feelings out, too. I still feel stuck. It doesn't feel like I'm grieving them. It just feels like i'm grieving the person I thought they were before I found out. this little version of them I love still exists somewhere in my mind, and my heart keeps reaching for someone that doesn't exist anymore. I know that version of them isn't real anymore in my head, but emotionally I just can't catch up to that. I live with dissociative derealization disorder, and i have learned that trauma doesn't always process the way it should. Sometimes it feels like my mind seals me out, locking painful experiences away without letting me address them properly. It sucks. This is the worst it's ever been, for me. I feel like I'm frozen on the day it all happened, unable to digest it.

I guess it's not accepting that they cheated that's so hard for me, it's just that they aren't the person I thought they were, that I loved so deeply. I had a future with them planned out, I tried so hard to get them on board. It feels like my three favorite people left this world in those weeks. I just wanted to vent, I guess. I don't know if any of this even makes sense. it doesn't to me.