I don't think I can keep pretending everything is okay at home anymore.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I think I just need someone to know what my life has been feeling like lately.

Every day feels emotionally exhausting. There are arguments with someone almost every single day sometimes it's my younger sister, sometimes my mom, sometimes my dad. What hurts the most isn't even the arguments themselves anymore. It's that five minutes later, everyone is laughing, talking, and acting like nothing happened, while I'm left sitting there trying to calm myself down and carry on like I'm okay.

Meanwhile, I'm still replaying everything that was said.

I've reached a point where I don't even defend myself anymore. Not because I agree with them, but because I'm so mentally drained that I don't have the energy to argue. I just stay quiet.

I think it's starting to affect me physically too. I barely feel like eating anymore. Even when I try, I get this nauseous feeling after a few bites. Sleeping has become difficult, and even after I wake up, I still feel exhausted.

The strange part is that I've been through an even darker period before, during the lockdown. Back then things became so overwhelming that I attempted to end my life. I didn't go through with it because I was scared, and I'm grateful I'm still here. I don't want to die. I just don't want to keep living like this.

Today was another example. My dad asked me to help him with some work. Because of a misunderstanding that honestly happened due to unclear instructions, I made a small mistake. Instead of explaining it, he started shouting at me and saying hurtful things that had nothing to do with the mistake itself. I know if I argue back too much, things could get worse. He hasn't hit me recently, but he has in the past, and even though it's been a while, those memories don't really leave you.

My mom gets angry over the smallest things sometimes too. She keeps insisting that I eat more because I'm underweight, and I know she's worried about me, but when I'm already feeling anxious and nauseous, being forced to eat just makes everything harder.

Then there's my younger sister.

I've helped her however I could. I've filled out forms for her, guided her through things, spent my own freelance earnings buying her little gifts because she was taking a gap year and I thought she must be having a difficult time. I never expected anything in return.

But when we fight, she says some of the cruelest things anyone has ever said to me. She's told me that I deserve everything that's happening to me. She uses my insecurities against me. Sometimes I honestly wonder how someone I care about so much can be so comfortable hurting me.

On top of everything else, I'm waiting for my joining letter from a company. They onboard people in batches every month until January, so I have no idea when my turn will come. The uncertainty is eating me alive.

The job itself isn't even ideal. From what I've heard, the work environment isn't great. But right now I just need stability. I need a reason to wake up every morning that isn't this house.

While waiting, I've kept applying for other jobs almost every day. Most applications never get a response. The interviews that seemed promising ended in rejection or complete ghosting after four, five, sometimes six rounds.

It's hard not to question yourself after that.

I worked hard. I studied. I prepared every day. Yet somehow I'm still here, watching people around me move forward. Some of them got opportunities through family connections or referrals while barely trying, and I know life isn't fair, but it's difficult not to feel left behind.

I feel guilty for saying this because my parents have also done a lot for me. They've paid for my education, supported me financially, and I know they've made sacrifices. That's part of what makes all of this so confusing. I don't think they're evil people. I just don't think this environment is healthy for me anymore.

More than anything, I just want to leave.

I don't want a perfect life. I don't even need a dream job right now.

I just want a place where I don't feel like I'm constantly waiting for the next argument.