Waiting for Pathology Again

I had my second surgery last Thursday. I know it’s been less than a week, but waiting for results is so hard! Especially when each time I have had to do this, it’s a little bit worse.

The first mammogram (second one ever) I had back in April needed more imaging, undetermined Birads-0. I had my diagnostic mammogram in May, which I left with “could be cancer, could be benign”, birads-4 with micro calcifications in 2 locations. Had the biopsy on my 43rd birthday (yeah, that was depressing), and waited a week to hear it was cancer, but non-invasive (DCIS). I found out I would need a lumpectomy, radiation, and hormone therapy or a mastectomy. I went for the lumpectomy early July, which left a large 5-6 cm scar on the top of my breast in the most visible location (my cancer was right at the top of the clock).

The next week, I learned they took out a lot of DCIS. I believe the word was “extensive”, and a tiny bit of IDC (6mm) that we didn’t know about, right in the middle. Margins were clear, but the DCIS was riiiiiight up against it, and I now needed a SLNB. Hence the latest surgery to take out a little more and to check my lymph nodes.

I know it’s unlikely that it has spread, but each time I hear back, it seems to be more involved. I start back at work next week (I am a specialist/ service provider at an elementary school), which is causing me anxiety, and one of my 3 children is really struggling with their mental illness and IEP needs. I don’t want another scary-hard year like last year. Plus radiation! And likely tamoxifen!

I want to work on self-care and decreasing stressors so badly! I don’t usually get the panicky type of anxiety, but I am mentally hyperventilating… just not physically. I have some personal goals this year, to work on the EF paperwork tasks that make my life harder due to my ADHD brain wiring, and learn how to work through my time-blindness.

Anyways, as Tom Petty sang, “the waiting is the hardest part”, and here I am again. Hoping to hear back any day, and hoping to move past the surgery part. I keep worrying that I should have had the mastectomy, so there wouldn’t be any more wondering if there’s more cancer in my breast or if it’s in my lymph node. It just seemed so excessive for DCIS at the time. I think if there is anything found ever again, I just want both of my girls gone, and implants.

I’d love and appreciate any helpful words from those who have been through it. Any suggestions on how to simplify life, focus on self-care, what that looks like for you in this ugly journey, and I guess just wisdom and solidarity. I need to decrease my ADHD overwhelm with life and BC. (It’s already hard as a single mama).