A couple of weeks after D-Day. How do you know when to stop digging?

​

Our relationship has been on the rocks for over a year now. My WH had emotionally checked out for most of last year. He attributed a lot of this, and ultimately the A, to me neglecting him throughout much of our 9-year relationship (2 years married).

It's only been a couple of weeks since D-Day, and it's been nothing but trickle truth.

Last week, I found the first concrete evidence that their mostly online relationship had become physical. Up until then, he had insisted it was solely platonic. That discovery led to one of our biggest fights. He maintains that it was a one-time incident and that it wasn't sexual.

The thing is, every new piece of information has only come out because I found something he forgot to delete. Every single time. He hasn't volunteered anything. He only admits to what I can prove or what I ask about specifically.

I still don't know if they actually had sex. At this point, I honestly don't know if that detail would change anything. The betrayal already feels utter and devastatingly complete.

Since that fight, though, he's been everything I've been wanting for so long. He's patient, attentive, reassuring, affectionate, and accountable. I know a lot of it is probably driven by guilt, but it's making it incredibly difficult to keep my guard up because I miss this version of him so much.

He says he wants R, he knows I do too. But I can't shake the feeling that there's still more I don't know. Based on how things have gone so far, I don't believe he'll tell me unless I discover it first or ask the exact right question.

I'm torn between wanting the whole truth and wondering if continuing to dig is just going to hurt me more. Is there ever a point where you decide you know enough? Or is full disclosure necessary before you can genuinely move forward?

Another thing I'm struggling with is how badly my triggers have affected us.

When he's out, I spend the whole day anxious and miserable, just waiting for him to come home. But when we're actually together, I hesitate to ask him to do anything because so many of our shared activities have become tainted.

Our lives used to revolve around our dogs. Walks, eating out, little family moments. Then I found out he had been texting AP during those times. Now some of my happiest memories feel contaminated.

Part of me feels like he's getting off too easily. The only thing I've really asked of him is proof that he's ended things with AP, but realistically, that connection could easily be re-established if they were both determined enough. I haven't asked him to move out, given him ultimatums, or demanded unrestricted access to everything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making R too easy for him.

The other part of me is so exhausted that all I want is to erase this chapter and somehow move forward with our lives.

For those who chose R: how did you know when to stop searching for more? Did you regret knowing more, or regret not knowing enough? If your WP trickle truthed, how did you ever reach a point where you believed there wasn't anything else left to discover?