Please let this is my last relapse

I’m an addict. I was and am still addicted to meth pressed “adderall” pills which I’ve taken for years and deluding myself it was for my career. It was a job I despised. I now have a problem with prescription adderall and meth pressed pills. My previous job was seriously demanding and while it helped in the short term, I continued using because it felt good but I was falling apart. It eventually led to me making a rash decision to quit and detox with no job lined up.

I came clean to my fiancé at that time about my addiction. I was very good at hiding things from her and she never knew. She just thought I was bipolar. She is now my wife after I detoxed.

The boredom and withdrawal was brutal. I made it through 8 months until I felt fine enough to work and landed my current job which is also just as demanding. This is a job I want to keep.

This is where my prescription addiction began. In the past I greatly preferred meth - it made me full of life when I was high. Because I’ve detoxed the meth, the prescription Adderall was effective for helping me focus and stay ahead of the game at work. My manager is proud of the rate I’m growing into my role. I’ve been here for 4 months and started taking the prescription pills during the second month which makes me 3 months in, taking 30-60mg of adderall a day for those 3 months.

I already know this is not sustainable. Boredom triggered while I was stimmed out as there was down time. I went into my porn stash I haven’t touched in half a year. Then I decided to take meth. And spiced it up with tadalafil. IYKYK. This went on for 3-4 days back to back at doses higher than I’ve ever taken in the past.

This is having a seriously negative effect on my work. I’m behind on schedule. I took sick days to just watch porn. I relapsed HARD. I think my manager thinks something is up. We usually stay up late working and I tell him I don’t drink coffee or anything. And then suddenly I’m hard to contact and using sickness as an excuse.

I purged all the porn in my possession. But I can’t get myself to get rid of my stimulants just yet. A busy period is right around the corner. I plan on either taper or cold turkey after it’s over. I need to finish this period strong because not being employed fucking sucked. I need to maintain a positive relationship with him because he has high expectations from me in a high responsibility role. After this small stint I’m starting to lose autonomy.

I’m very serious about letting go of this shit after this busy period and I need advice on how to do it. But I’m also adamant on not quitting right now. I can’t have an off day during this time.

I have to do this for myself and my wife and everyone who cares about me. I don’t want to tell my wife yet because I broke her heart many times again and again. I want to do this without burdening her. These past few days while I was stimmed up on Adderall and meth I have been so wonderful to her and she hasn’t been so happy in a long time. I have to become that person to her when I’m off of it too. I fear that I won’t be able to be that person.

I know I need help. Please help me. I need a gameplan to fully quit. Thank you all for reading if you’ve taken the time to do so. I can tell the crash is going to happen if I truly don’t stop speeding.