searching for a mother figure ..

I’m pretty young,, (13f) I never thought I’d find myself posting about this stuff on reddit out of anywhere else lmao, i almost feel embarrassed doing this .. but one of the biggest pains in my life is having a physically present yet emotionally absent mother. I’ve been very independent for as long as I can remember, but I have also had this gaping hole that craves the motherly affection I never got. I’ve been carrying a lot on my back and if I’m even remotely upset around my mother she always mocks me and calls me crazy 🫩school has been so stressful for me and I’m extremely anxious to start high school. I need her support so bad but I’m so used to being without her that even the thought of opening up to her makes me sick. The closest I’ve ever had to a mom was one of my old teachers, and I only was able to have a few months with her since I switched schools mid year. I’m at my worst and I feel so helpless it hurts so bad this is only a fraction of how I feel help me out guys😣😓