dinner is white cheddar cheez its and a breakfast sandwich. had beef and broccoli earlier but forgot to grab a photo. 

i turn 19 in 3 weeks. i dont feel like im 19, though, and i’m really scared for how much responsibility i have to take on. i took a gap year from college because i had a surgery that left me mostly bedbound for like 6 fucking months right when i turned 18 and i kinda feel like my brain just… paused when that happened.   
my friends are all taking care of their own finances and working jobs and getting their shit together. i procrastinated so hard on applying to community college that i almost missed a financial aid deadline and i still have no idea what i want to do in life.  
i feel like i’m not mature enough for this. i’m scared i’m going to fuck something up irreversibly or something. i can’t even remember to finish a load of laundry or to eat 90% of the time, how the fuck am i supposed to take care of finances? to try and get a job? to try and live on my own eventually where nobody can remind me of the most basic shit like paying bills or buying groceries or eating before 6 PM??? you’re telling me i gotta do this shit for my entire life???? i’m not fucking ready!?? i dont think i’ll ever be ready!!!!!  
it makes me feel dumb when i look at other people my age. they dont forget to do important things. they dont struggle with everything. they dont need basic stuff explained to them all the time. they can just do it and i cant and im really, really scared that i’ll never be able to. and now i might have to get the same surgery done on the other side, and what then??? im not good at starting up again after ive been stagnant and im really really scared that i wont know how to ever catch up with everyone else and ill just become some freeloading loser or something after this

i feel like i’m not maturing enough and i feel stupid for it