Looking for friends, preferably in Las Vegas

I'm desperate. My now wife aborted our child against my wishes. She told me prior that she would never have an abortion and I believed her. I offered every option besides abortion to her but ultimately she told me that I wasn't good enough, broke up with me and aborted our child. I died at that moment. All my hopes and dreams, dead. My self worth was already low but it sank to an unimaginable level after that. I forgave her 2 days after the abortion and started living my life just to please her because I wanted nothing but to die myself. I just couldn't bring myself to kill myself because I didn't want to hurt those around me. I forgave her but I never forgave myself. I hate myself for creating a child in an environment where they could not survive. I hate myself for not being good enough to save them, for not having my shit together enough to prove I could provide. I hate myself for not reaching out to other people for help before the abortion. I thought I could convince her myself. I hate myself for not acting as if my child was about to die in the last moments of their life. I was paralyzed. I was trying to act within social norms and the constants of the law but I shouldn't have because my child is dead now. I've been in therapy but I feel like it hasn't helped at all. I don't think anything can take this guilt away from me. I feel like the only thing that could save me is a belief in God or an afterlife but I have no faith. I was raised Catholic and I've tried going back to church. I've been begging God for a sign for years but I've seen nothing that would make me believe my child is anywhere but gone forever. I also have bipolar ii and I feel like my entire life is just a constant mixed episode at this point. I'm a complete wreck. My wife is leaving me because I've been unable to heal. It feels like everyone is against me and the child I created. I should have a 6 year old right now and the fact that they're not here is unbearable. Nobody wants to be friends with me once I open up to them because I am such a mess. I'm probably the only person who would stick out a friendship with me. I wouldn't recommend being friends with me. I'm honestly awful. I don't know why I thought making this post was a good idea. I feel like dying is the only right answer at this point. I'd either know whether my child is somewhere out there or I'll just be gone so I can't hurt anymore.