Feeling hopeless from a complicated situation

My husband and I are in our early 30s and are almost married for 3 years. We are having issues in the bedroom thanks to my baggage.

I was SA as a child and again at 19. As a result I have had an emotional and physical reaction to putting even tampons in, and pap smears are unreal to me—they make me start blacking out and pain the pain from resistance is so bad that I can’t fathom it. I was diagnosed with really bad HPFD as a result of it all.

When I wasn’t in my right mind, my husband and I have successfully been able to have sex maybe 2-3 times. I have no problems with anything else in regards to intimacy — just penetrative sex. I have tried therapy several times with different therapists and it didn’t work. My insurance currently doesn’t cover physical therapy (and even when it did, I ended up canceling because I don’t think I could handle it).

My husband once in a fight admitted to having a little resentment toward me about not having sex regularly — like, penetrative. And also complained about my baggage once in a fight.

I don’t know why he even married me knowing this issue, and I feel so guilty about it. I’ve given him the pass for us to separate/divorce because of this if he wants to, but he won’t do that either and apologizes for what he said before. I really don’t know what to do or where to go from here, but I feel like he will hold resentment toward me forever, whether he ever admits it again or not.