Can’t ask out crush because of depression

He’s the best friend I’ve had in the last couple years, we text every day and hanging out with him is one of the few things I look forward to. I’ve had a crush on him for the last year, but I can’t ask him out because I’m afraid he’ll say yes and I’ll hurt him and ruin our friendship.

I’ve been so deep in depression these few weeks that I’ve started ghosting family, I can barely eat or take a shower, and my suicidal thoughts have gotten worse. The last thing I wanna do is push him away with my depression like I have my family. But it’s such an effort to be close to him and having to repress those feelings. I almost feel like I’m lying to him all the time. I kind of want to tell him how I feel just so he can reject me and just be friends, as weird as it sounds. But I’m scared he’ll reciprocate and then he’ll know how pathetic I am