Turning 22 a couple of days ago felt like hitting an invisible milestone that I wasn't ready for. Most people celebrate their birthdays with excitement, but lately mine just left me sitting in my room staring at the ceiling, wondering what is wrong with me.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Not a high school sweetheart, not a casual college dating phase, nothing. Zero experience. And as I get older, that "zero" feels less like a blank slate and more like a massive flashing neon sign that screams inexperienced or unlovable.

It hurts in a way that’s hard to put into words. not just wanting a girlfriend but craving the simple ordinary human warmth that everyone else seems to take for granted. I watch couples on the street, brushing shoulders, whispering secrets, or just holding hands because they can and a heavy suffocating ache settles right in my chest. I have never had someone text me just to see if I'm okay. I have never had someone look forward to the end of the week just to spend it with me(this one really hurts). All the care, loyalty, and deep affection I’m ready to give just sits trapped inside my ribs with nowhere to go and no one to receive it.

The heaviest burden isn't just being alone. it's the suffocating weight of feeling utterly left behind. While everyone else seems to navigate love naturally as if it's second nature, I've spent years paralyzed by the sheer terror of my own inexperience. The thought of admitting I’ve never done this before(of baring my flaws and risking that specific, crushing look of disappointment or pity) has kept me completely frozen. With every passing year that quiet anxiety builds up, turning into a towering wall that I’m terrified I’ll never find a way to climb over.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing behind a thick sheet of glass pressing my hands against it and watching a vibrant world happen just inches away while I freeze on the outside. You start dissecting every inch of your soul, weaponizing your own quietness, your awkward pauses and your flaws as proof that you were never meant to be chosen or loved.

im only 22 (DONT SAY IM STILL YOUNG) and i feel like my life is already completely over. it hurts so bad and i am so lonely. i am so tired of pretending that everything is totally fine when im actually falling apart inside. i just want to let it all out because keeping it bottled up is suffocating me.