I don't know how to fix myself

This is a summarized version of my post in /r advice. I hope I am not breaking any rules. I am posting here because I need advice.

Context:

I had a rough workplace experience, bullying, double crossing, gaslighting, undermining, etc. I had deep anger issues. I also made friends. We helped each other.

But I found my friends were trash talking me behind my back and getting along well with people that harmed me. Still i do love them they were my friends in a very dark time of my life and I do believe they love me.

They don't know I know about the trash talking. But everytime I speak to them I feel weird and have the urge to watch what I am saying. I am not conflict avoidance but I also don't see anyway this could resolve if I bring it up.

My problems are that

1. I don't know what to do about this situation

2. I just can't bring myself to connect with anyone. It is heavy like moving mountains. I rarely meet people outside work and when I do I can't wait to be alone. Texting feels overwhelming. I force myself to reply out of obligation there is no pleasure and no connection. It is often not in a timely manner. I know I will lose people because of it but I don't feel sadness about that just guilt for letting them down.

Therapy is not an option for me cause I live paycheck to paycheck. And I couldn't find the right online resource for my situation.