husband watching porn on reddit before sex

tw: infidelity

my husband and i were planning on having sex last night; we mentioned it during the day a couple times leading up to it. this is pretty normal.

that evening, we were laying on the couch, and i was reading a he was scrolling. he was sort of facing me with his back to our back door. well, turns out that glass door is pretty reflective, and i looked up, and i was fairly certain I saw him scrolling through videos of naked women. Multiple back to back videos. I got up and went over to him, and he quickly exited out of the reddit app and reopened it. when he reopened it, it was a completely different page. it honestly was shocking how quickly and adeptly he did this. I can’t remember this part too clearly, but i’m fairly confident the first reddit account was darker (private browsing?) and the second one was a lighter feed like his normal account.

I asked him what he was doing, and he showed me some video on this new feed, but it clearly was not what he was looking at before. once i explained i saw him switching apps, he got angry and kept insisting he was just on Reddit. Which, to be fair, I think that part’s true. I just think he’s trying to get away with only saying stuff that’s technically true.

i told him what I saw, and then he lied again. He said he was just scrolling on reddit and came across it. It was very obvious that he was seeking this porn, not stumbling onto it. it looked like he was scrolling through one dedicated porn page.

eventually I got him to admit he was looking at stuff. he said it was to “stay in the mood” until we had sex. i’m hurt that his wife, sitting right there, wasn’t enough for him. He even has content of me meant for scenarios like that that he clearly didn’t feel like using there.

The worst part of this is the lying. He finally admitted he was looking at content, but when I kept pointing out how fucked it is to watch porn sitting right next to me, he kept denying it. That logic just doesn’t make sense.

The cherry on top is that just yesterday he came to talk to me about concerns I’m stepping out on him. He said that he had talked all his anxieties with his therapist and finally felt like he could talk to me. For context, I did cheat on him when we were engaged. It was over three years ago, and I very much regret what happened. We went through a lot of work to get where we are today, and as fucked as it sounds, the communication tools and skills we learned throughout have made us better. It was odd that he was feeling mistrustful, but I didn’t think too much of it because PTSD is a tricky turkey and I was happy that he was talking to me about it.

If it weren’t for this past, I would probably immediately assume he’s cheating. Him asking if I’m cheating, and then seeking other women’s bodies online sounds like a major case of projection. But it could just be dealing with trauma that is popping back up, idk. And I don’t trust him to be truthful about it either way.

Ugh. I feel so unsexy. And hurt. I got to stay up all night spiraling while he slept soundly.