I miss her and it's ruining me

It's been 10 months since my dog died. I had her for 13 years, got her after a traumatic event when I was 10 yrs old. I basically had to convince my family to adopt her at the time, because they were skeptical and had never had a pet before. She was and will always be considered my soul dog. A truly one of a kind soul. Energetic, extremely smart, loyal, comforting, funny, cuddly, gentle, slept with me every night, was always there. When I looked at her and she looked at me, I understood what love was. True love. Unconditional love.

A little over a year ago she was coughing a lot and the vet told us she had incurable cancer. A month later we had no choice but to put her down (we chose to have it done at our home). I was the last person to kiss her goodbye after she passed. I kissed her dead body when they put her in her little basket in their car. I told her how much I loved her and that I would never stop loving her. And then my Dad pulled me away, they took her away, and she was gone.

Almost a year later, I still am struggling to function well now without her. I understand that loss is a part of the life we live, but it doesn't make it any easier in my mind. I still live in the house I did with her, and I see flashbacks of her everywhere. I cry almost daily. Her box of ashes is haunting me. Sometimes I sleep with it, and sometimes I can't bear to look at it. Same with her collar, blanket, and the tens of sweaters she loved to wear in the winter. I always end up putting them back because it leads to a panic attack. All music makes me think about her. I want to look at pictures of her to keep remembering her because I'm worried I'll forget about her (I already am forgetting what her bark sounded like) but looking at pictures of us together and the beautiful life she had is so incredibly painful, when I want it to bring me comfort. Was she scared in her last moments? Did she know what was happening to her? Did she not want to leave us behind? Did she really know how much I loved her? Was it enough for her?

I know it's unreasonable, and I'm 23 years old, but I wish that sometimes I could just go with her. This planet is cruel and she was the absolute opposite. I have no motivation left for life without her presence to take care of and be with. I've had two jobs since she left and struggled to focus at them, even when I wanted to, I ended up quitting them. Sleeping is terrible, because I can still feel the weight of her pressed against my legs. Stepping out into the world feels wrong knowing she isn't waiting for me at home anymore.

I miss everything about the life we had together. I feel like I drift further and further from her all the time and I just wish she could come back. I'm pathetic, having spent some nights begging to entities that I don't even know exist to send me a sign that she's okay now. I go to therapy and talk to my family and friends but it never feels like it gets any better. I'm currently in the process of making a scrapbook about her with all her pictures and funny stories/memories, but it feels wrong. I just want her physically here. I yearn for her. I don't know how to help myself recover, and I'm not sure if I ever will.

If you took the time to read all of this, truly, thank you. I can't explain you how much it means. I'm sorry that you're going through it too.