Just putting this into the ether

TW: Suicidal thoughts, depression TLDR- 5 year situation ended and then she left me without any closure. I gave her absolutely everything I could.

I'm going through a really hard time right now and I am absolutely bursting with thoughts and pain which I have nowhere to put.

My ex and I met eachother in 2021. We were both not in a great headspace but when we met we hit it off instantly. It was one of those times where you meet someone and you think "where have you been all my life?" She was gorgeous, funny, just as neurodivergent as me.

We saw eachother casually for a while, going on more dates. I gradually met her mum and her one year old son. I worked at a school at the time and had always wanted a child of my own but I'm not physically able to. I adored her kid and we gradually built quite a bond as the relationship blossomed into us becoming a couple.

She always struggled quite badly with her mental health, as do I, and I often went above and beyond to try to help her. I often would clean her room, as it was always awful, I'd pay for her things when she ran out of money, I took her on expensive dates. She often managed to find herself in bad situations which I worked always get her out of. I didn't earn much money but I only ever wanted to provide for her.

In 2023, we both had full time jobs and decided to move in together. We both previously lived with family in far from ideal circumstances so this was amazing. It wasn't long before cracks started to show. I ended up keeping up with nearly all the house work and, despite being completely exhausted working as a special needs teaching assistant, did a large part of her then 3-year old's care. I was quickly burning out but continued doing everything I could for her. There were many times that I was thrown off course. A few times I was at work id find out things like that she'd gone to hospital trying to harm herself. Although this was agonizing, I put on a brave face as I felt I had to keep her, her son and myself afloat.

One day she was acting strange and eventually admitted that she had been pretending to go to work for the last month because she lost her job. I was especially hurt because I'd been keeping up my job, housework and looking after her child, thinking that we were both going to work. One day I had even taken the day off work because we couldn't get him to his nursery. I looked after him all day while she was out pretending to be at work. We lost our place and we had to move back separately. Shortly after we broke up but continued being friends.

I began getting very sick in the last couple of years and I'm currently being assessed for ME/CFS. I started not being able to provide like I used to and I lost my job. She was still the light of my life and we spoke pretty much daily. I still maintained a strong bond with her and her kid who I saw as family.

There continued to be times that she let me down. The time that she booked tickets for my birthday to see my favourite musician. I continually asked when it would be and she kept saying she'd let me know later. On the day she remembered last minute and we had to rush to travel about 5 hours to the show, arriving late and me blowing all my money so we could get a last minute hotel. Now when I hear that musician I can't think of anything but the stress and let down of it. It also was revealed that when I thought we were paying council tax (which she said she sorted), she actually hadn't and we owed over £1000.

Despite all that, I kept doing as much as I could for her but as I got sicker, I started to need her help more. Everything was okay for a while. We would hang out, cuddle but nothing more. Nothing seemed to be wrong.

Whilst she knew I was severely depressed due to my declining health and inability to work or really even leave the house often, she dropped a message saying she needed an indefinite amount of space. She left it in the middle of the night when I was alone and had been sat inside looking for a sign not to take my life. I ended up going to hospital. I feel pathetic that I responded that way, and fear it looked like punishment or a threat but I simply felt like I was losing everything and everyone.

She hasn't spoken to me since and, despite my best intentions, I did try to reach out two weeks later to no avail. I was just begging for closure. After everything we had been through I felt that wasn't too much to ask for. I feel pathetic and so alone like life isn't worth living anymore. I have very little support for my psychical or mental health and now I've lost two friends who were dear to me in one year. I found it funny that both of them said for me to lean on my remaining friends but, since my health has declined, I only really have one left. The only one I could really open up to anyway. I don't know how to move on. It's been about 3 weeks now. I feel pathetic