How do I stop feeling guilty for not wanting to get worse

Hi all!! I feel like SO strange for feeling like this but it’s whatever since I’m not exactly changing it by feeling like I’m strange 🙈🙈.

Anyways, so basically over the last few weeks I’ve been knee deep in an eating disorder relapse and hit the breaking point where I was able to pull myself out of it after I realised “oh gosh, I nearly died!” After not being able to think clearly and almost getting hit by a lorry while on my bike and struggling through a long ride which would usually be easy.

So for the past few days I’ve been eating in a slight deficit as I’m planning to get a little leaner for a few house parties that I’m going to over halloweekend and I’m back to lifting & cycling, swimming & running as before.
But I’m genuinely filled with SO much guilt about not restricting and feeling “empty” it’s untrue. I’ve tried telling myself that when I was really bad i was scared that I wouldn’t wake up, and that I love frolicking around and training for triathlons more than I like constantly being nasty and rude because I’m starving and that’s just not me because I love life - but I just can’t get over it.

Like I’m good at feeling guilty over EVERYTHING, earlier this year I missed out on concert tickets while they were in my basket because I felt bad that somebody else would be sad that they missed out on them, but it gets to a point where it feels a little more than convert tickets 🙈

If anybody has any advice on what to do it’d be greatly appreciated, I don’t really think that I will end up restricting again but it’s just the thoughts that are literally invading everything that I do lolll, thank you so much 😋