I’ve been thinking about parents and adults

I had a friend growing up who was part of an Asian immigrant family. They were middle class. Stable home life. Her dad worked. Her mom was involved in school and community and was always smiling. My friend and all her siblings were in advanced classes at school. I spent a lot of time at her house in middle school. Never caught any icky vibes or anything.

Some dude whose family was well established in their ethnic community chose my friend when she was 15 or 16 and he was 23. He was a wannabe gangster type. Drove sporty cars and wore big chains and stuff. I remember her coming to school with massive hickeys on her neck. Our little friend group did not like it at all, but her whole family and community seemed to embrace the relationship. She stayed with this guy for years, even after she started university.

This whole case has me thinking a lot. This type of thing is so normalized across race and even class lines. It makes me wonder, how can we protect girls if the adults in our world think this shit is ok because—

He comes from a good family.
He goes to church.
He brings flowers on Mother’s Day.
He addresses dad in our language.
He always brings our daughter back home on time.
He’s a hard worker.
He took the younger siblings to Six Flags.
He’s paying for our daughter’s college tuition.
He’s a nice guy.
Our daughter loves him.
Our daughter looks happy.

These groomers are so good at hiding behind cover. They know how to win trust. Then they do the things they know they will get celebrated for. They use these actions to gain unfettered access.

And when they are done they move on. They leave behind a traumatized girl or young woman. A family forever affected by unspoken resentments. Siblings who were paid for their silence in candy or cash, and who now live with guilt and shame that is not theirs to carry.

I think about the times I have been aware of something that makes me feel uncomfortable and have not said anything. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I don’t know who to say it to. Sometimes someone I love has asked me not to say anything to anyone, and I am uncertain if saying something will be helpful, or if it will put someone I love at risk of further harm.

I don’t have any easy way to tie this post up. I am sad and mad and disturbed. Who in your life, in my life, is enabling this type of abuse right now, today?

What’s it going to take?