Struggling with self-blame after breakup with FA — did I cause the relationship to fail?

My ex (35M) and I (35F) were together for 1.5 years and I broke up with him 2 weeks ago. We were in a LDR but would see each other every few weeks as it’s a short flight away. We were supposedly a month away from engagement. He asked for my ring size, we looked at designs together, and his family knew he was planning to propose, although he kept delaying buying the ring.

In the lead-up, his doubts and hypotheticals became more intense. He started worrying about scenarios that hadn’t happened — for example, whether I would support him financially if he lost his job after buying the ring (despite it being within the budget he had set). This would spiral into questions about whether I’d support him financially if he studied a third degree, and whether my higher savings should be shared equally while he had fewer assets.

I struggled with these conversations because we were at a stage where we wanted children, and I felt I was being asked to provide security without seeing the same level of stability from him. When I tried to set financial boundaries, they were interpreted as me not having a “partnership mentality.” I felt like his boundaries were treated as valid, while mine were seen as faults in me.

Whenever I’d raise some of my needs being met, or things that would upset me, he’d escape the conversation. When I’d raise it firmer, the entire conversation would flip how my tone made him feel small, emasculated, and like I’m criticising his character.

The final major conflict was around where we would live. I agreed to living in his city permanently and leaving my disabled mother, but return to my city for a few years when having children so I could have my mother’s support post-partum. After three months of tensions around this, he agreed to a maximum of four years.

On his final visit, he continued initiating intimacy but rejected me at the last moment each night for three nights, saying he needed clarity about our disagreements first, without actually trying to talk about them at all. He later told me he decided not to be intimate at all before he even arrived, but didn’t want to tell me until before he left, which made me feel rejected and blindsided.

I ended the relationship because I felt stuck in months of conflict, and felt like I was constantly being tested by hypothetical scenarios without us actually repairing anything. During the breakup, he said he never would have been willing to move to my city during pregnancy, and that it was his boundary, which was devastating because I thought we had reached an agreement. He followed this by saying he tried his best but it clearly wasn’t enough. I hung up and blocked him for a few days because this felt like reality was being invalidated. I’m not proud of that reaction, but I felt overwhelmed after months of trying to resolve things.

I know I have my own part to own. I became reactive when I felt pushed to my limit. But I’m struggling to separate accountability from self-blame. I keep wondering whether his questions and location boundary were reasonable and I unfairly interpreted it as him not compromising, or whether my financial boundaries weren’t cautious protection measures, but actually incompatible with partnership.

I reached out afterwards apologising for my reaction and acknowledging my part in the cycle, and said I’d be open to talking. He responded kindly, apologised for hurting me, but said he needs time as he’s struggling to express himself. I reached out again tonight because my grandmother is in hospital with possible heart failure and I just wanted to talk to him. No response.

For those who have experienced fearful avoidant relationships: how do you stop fixating on “I caused the relationship to fail”? How do you stop believing that if you had just been more accommodating, were less reactive, everything would have worked?