The more I heal, the harder it’s to forgive

I'm a 33-year-old woman who grew up as an only child in a very poor environment with a depressed (but undiagnosed) mother and a father dealing with addiction.

Eight years ago, I moved abroad. Shortly after I left, my parents separated, and around that time I decided to cut all contact with my dad. I haven't seen him in the past eight years. We've talked here and there over text, but neither of us has really tried to rebuild the relationship.

I continued my relationship with my mom, not without conflict, and I still support her financially because she has never been able to become fully independent.

In this post, I want to focus on my relationship with my mom because I want to know if there's a different way to handle it, and I'd really appreciate your thoughts on both her behavior and my feelings.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has struggled with depression and possibly other undiagnosed mental health issues. She's 60 years old but extremely immature and has never been able to settle down anywhere. She has never managed to support herself financially, and after she separated from my dad, I took on that responsibility. A big reason for that was because she always told me she was the victim of my father's abuse.

According to her, my dad never helped her with her depression because he enjoyed seeing her suffer so he could control her. On top of that, she shared very intimate and horrific details about things my father had forced her to do, things I should never have known, especially when I was around 18. Those conversations were deeply traumatizing.

For years, I completely believed this narrative. I excused all of my mother's behavior (being irresponsible, not providing me with what I needed as a child, leaving me completely alone at age 12, etc.) because I thought her depression explained everything. In my mind, my dad was the culprit and a master manipulator who wanted to keep her depressed.

Fast forward to the last couple of years. I've spent a lot of time in therapy, healing, and growing. I've started to realize that while my dad absolutely made many mistakes, struggled with addiction, and was psychologically abusive toward my mom in many ways, my mom was also much more responsible for what happened than I used to believe, and she also needs accountability.

Before, I saw her only as a survivor of abuse. But now, after having many conversations with her about our family history, it seems like she blames my father for absolutely everything while excusing her own behavior by saying things like “I couldn't do better because I was depressed and didn't know it. It's an illness."

Realizing this has made me develop feelings of disgust, rage, and rejection toward her that I'd never experienced before. They're very intense. I can't help but see all of her current immature and toxic behaviors much more clearly, and even small things trigger a disproportionate amount of anger because they bring back years of unresolved hurt.

I've had recent conversations where I bring up things from the past and explain the role she played in them and like I said, she acknowledges her mistakes and says she's sorry but that she did the best she could and simply didn't know any better.
However, for some reason, that's not enough for me, and I don't know what to do with those feelings.

Should I forgive her, accept who she is, and move on? Should I distance myself because maybe this relationship no longer serves me? Should I tell her everything I truly think and feel just to get it off my chest? Or is this something I should continue working through in therapy instead?

One of my biggest struggles is that even though she acknowledges the past and apologizes, she's still just as emotionally unwell, immature, and unstable as she's always been. She still relies on me financially, offers me little to no emotional support as a mother, constantly has conflict with other people, and whenever she calls me, she talks about herself for an hour straight without asking me a single question about my life.

Sometimes I feel pity for her. Other times I remember that she's the parent in this relationship, and she should have been the one who knew better. Then I think maybe I don't have to put up with any of this anymore because I've already done it for over 30 years. Then I wonder if I should be more compassionate.

Then I go back to thinking that she should be the bigger person, and it's not my responsibility to fix anything. Sometimes I even feel resentful that I'm spending money on therapy to process the consequences of her behavior. It feels unfair that I'm the one doing all of this emotional work because of her choices and her inability to heal. Why should I care for her when she has never truly taken care of me in a healthy way?

Some closing thoughts:

Moving abroad made me very independent. It allowed me to go to college, build a great career, and create a healthy and stable life with my partner. I'm incredibly grateful for that. But it also makes me wonder whether I should even care about preserving my relationship with my mom, since I don't rely on her or need her in any practical way.

She doesn't really ask much of me beyond the financial support, and she also doesn't contribute much to my life. It's a strange relationship because, technically, neither of my parents asks very much from me, yet I'm still the one carrying all of the invisible emotional work of trying to understand, heal, and make sense of everything.

Now I'm pregnant and about to build my own family, and all of these questions have taken on a completely different meaning.

I know there probably isn't one right answer, and ultimately I'll have to find a path that works for me. But I'm hoping your comments can offer some perspective, different ideas, or simply support as I navigate this very confusing and conflicting process.

If you made it this far, thank you.