How to deal with long-term, all-consuming pet loss?

TW: pet death, su**idal ideation

Sorry in advance for the long post. I am so lost.

Over 1 year ago I lost my soul cat. I genuinely think I died the day she died. I adopted her when she was a kitten and had her for over 16 years. Over half my life with her.

Fundamentally, I am a sad person. I have struggled to find meaning or purpose since the moment I gained consciousness. I have never been happy nor do I find enjoyment in anything (trust, I have tried to find my niche).

That being said, my cat is the light of my life. I can’t put into words how much I love my cat. I am obsessed with her. I would miss her if she was in another room or if I was out of the house for even 5 minutes. I would leave places early just to spend time with her. I would cry in anticipation of her death even when she was healthy right next to me. She was my baby.

Since her death, my mental health has been on a decline. As said above, I’m a sad person by default, but this is a whole different level. My heart physically aches 24/7. I cry every day until I can’t breathe. I’ve developed wrinkles from how my face scrunches up when crying. I constantly bite the skin on my lips to stop myself crying which has created dents in my teeth. I become so overwhelmed with sadness I cry in a work toilet cubicle multiple times a day. I feel nothing but pain/sadness, or feel nothing at all. No in between.

My cat was the only reason I kept going every day. Coming home and being with her made it possible. Now she’s gone, so is my desire to be alive.

I have been in therapy since I was 5 (school clocked that something was wrong with me, suggested therapy. Finally diagnosed AuDHD at 20) and am now 27. Over 22 years in therapy and I do not feel it has helped me generally, but especially(!) not during this loss.

I’m at the point of sadness where I don’t check when crossing the road or train tracks, have stopped being careful outside at night and don’t take care of myself or my health beyond the bare minimum. I want to be gone. I have wished to die since I was a child, but that thought would go away whenever I was with my cat.

I couldn’t find posts on this subreddit about long-term pet loss grief. Everything relates to fresh grief. I am the opposite. As time goes on, I struggle more to exist without my cat.

I was hoping for some suggestions or support from the community on what I can do to start healing/make the pain stop. I know I will never be a “happy” or “content” person - I will always be sad, it’s just who I am - but I really don’t know how I long I can operate at this level of sadness.

In saying this, another cat is NOT an option. No foster cats, no pets, no animals in general, or anything that requires care. I am done forever now with animals. As we know, black or white thinking is an autistic trait, and I am not the exception, so my mind will not be swayed. I don’t find comfort or joy being around people irl, calls or texting back and forth, so socialising isn’t really an option either.

If you made it this far, thank you. Even if you don’t have advice, it means a lot that a stranger on the internet spent time to read through this. You mean a lot to me.