Angry Grief & Stepparents

this is my first ever reddit post and my last resort in my current moment as I don’t know what to thing, do, or feel.

My mom began dating my step father when I was 1-year-old. He had two kids and she had two kids and they married when I was 3. Our family didn’t say anything of the sort of “step” or “half” for parents or siblings. I will be referring to my step father as my “old dad”.

On this side of my family, there were 6 kids. For the sake of the situation, I will clarify the “blood” relationship between us as it plays a role in my situation now but again note that we were not raised to count these titles. I will give the first three siblings names for this. The two younger sisters will be referred to as “the girls”.
In age order, on this side I have a sister 2 years old (step “ella”) a brother 11 months older (same mom and dad “lenny”) a brother 2 months older (step “connor”), myself, a sister 3 years younger (half), and a sister 5 years younger (half).

As I grew up, my old dad and I were close until about age 6 when my household became toxic and a bit dangerous. Throughout the next 8 ish years, we’d have CPS called more times than I can count on two hands due to my mother and old dad’s disciplinary actions. No matter where you come from in thoughts on disciplining your kids, some of the things happening in our house were wrong.

Lenny and Ella had it worse than I ever did but I was next in the list of wrongful discipline. Connor and the girls did not receive perfect discipline but were not in anyway in the same realm as myself, ella, and lenny. Without getting too much into detail but noting the uneasiness un the household, I grew a strong resentment for my old dad and wanted to be with my bio dad until my teenage years. I had something happen as a 19-year-old that only my mother and my old dad were aware of as my bio dad does not know much about my life at all. That situation made us become very close and it stayed that way until my mother suspected him of cheating on her after my old dad’s mom passed. When Lenny asked me whose side we should pick, we both agreed we wouldn’t but because we thought my mom was crazy and making things up, if it came to it, we would choose our old dad. Turns out, she was right. He was cheating on her with his now wife and the wife was aware. Shortly after that, my old dad’s blocked me on everything and told the girls and Connor that I had blocked him and don’t want him in my life. When finally the girls and i talked a bit about this, they shared what he had said and I explained that wasnt true and proved it by showing them the texts. The next time I saw him hears later, he busted into our backyard to take some of the things during the divorce and called me a tramp (unprovoked other than me standing on the step watching him).

I have since moved away from the state and live across the country.

Last year, one of the girls had her babies 1st birthday and after being torn on whether or not to go, I did and had to face him. I prepared myself for this as much as i could before hand. Things went okay aside from him saying hello to me which threw me for a bit of a loop as I did not expect it.

Anyway, I always believed one day he would realize he wanted me back as his daughter and that he’d be in my life again. I talk about this man all of the time and sometimes it’s anger and sometimes it’s just me simply wanting him back in my life. I have struggled through this for a few years as to the girls and Connor, he walks on water and can’t do any wrong.

Well, I say all of this to say that he died yesterday. And I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel so many things and know that I need to go home to my family but feel so uneasy. I don’t speak to Ella as none of us do. I know she was the way she was to us as kids because my old dad made her like that. Her life took a turn for the worse and now she lives away. Lenny lives out of state and is my absolute rock in anything I do. I tend to need him in sticky situations, he is not feeling as much grief (or so he says) and is not interested in going home aside from being there for my sisters at a different time. I have lost half of my old dads family as he and his older sister did some evil things to their other brother and sister but turned it saying it was them. I am still close to the brother and sister.

Yesterday I found out he told the oldest one of the girls that he knew he messed up and thought about speaking to me but was too stubborn to. what the fuck.

I just need some guidance on what i’m allowed to feel and what is valid. To me, he was my dad for as long as I remember until he decided he wasn’t. Now hes just my dead ex step dad and that’s so uncomfortable to be able to feel like I get any grief. I am so fucking angry. I am so confused and I am afraid to show any emotion. I thought he’d come back and now he’s fucking dead. I just need someone to tell me what I can do.