Do you ever just lose it and will it be okay?

I have two kids - a 3 year old and 12 month old - and ever since the younger one came around, my daughter has had really difficult aggressive and negative attention seeking behaviors. Anyway, I finally accepted I was not a good mom with the amount I was raising my voice and started meds.

I have been doing much better, feel calmer and overall less reactive. But today I just snapped. While I was taking care of some chores in the next room, she was using the bathroom. She has been potty trained and is great at flushing/wiping.

Anyway, I hear the sound of water and go into the bathroom and there is water all over the ground. The toilet was overflowing, and holding her brother in my arms…I just kind of lost it. I tried to calmly ask what was wrong but she would not answer, and I just quickly morphed into the worst version of myself yelling over and over again “What did you do?” Throwing in things like ”I am so frustrated right now”, all while trying to put her brother down, pick up all the clothes that are clean since it is also the laundry room, and figure out what is wrong.

She just starts screaming over and over and crying and won’t answer, which unfortunately makes me madder. Anyway, after everything was said and done, I apologized profusely and told her no one should ever yell at her like that, not even mama. She kept telling me how much she loved me and that she was sorry, and l tried to again say she did nothing wrong, and it was just an accident and that I never should have done what I did.

And now I am doing what I normally do in these moments which is spiral. I just feel like an awful awful mom who has no control over her own emotions. I was verbally abused my entire childhood, and I had vowed not to do the same.

This is not an excuse but part of me was so stressed because I am desperately trying to clean the house before her brother’s bday party this weekend and I feel I cannot afford a setback like the toilet not working.

I am not sure the point of all this. To vent? To tell me it will be okay and my daughter won’t hate and resent me one day? Ugh. I will continue seeing a therapist and taking my meds. I think I need anger management classes after what I went through as a child. I am just so sad. I wanted to break the cycle.