Questions

I just found out my dad’s wife has dementia. They’ve kept it a secret for over 5 years per her request. My heart goes out to her because she probably felt ashamed and scared. But I’m also sad for my dad who’s been the solo caregiver and watching his wife slowly fade in isolation. I’m mad that she didn’t allow him to lean on his daughters and community for support thru this. And I’m embarrassed how much I started to hate her these past several years because I’ve witnessed her being so mean to him when Ive visited. I never understood why my dad just accepted her nasty treatment. He never said a thing. Always said no when I asked if there was something going on with her. Never replied when i said I hate seeing her be so mean to him. I thought she was genuinely evil and enjoyed seeing him in pain. And now I’m able to look back thru the lens of “ohhhhh THAT was prob the dementia..” which is relieving in some ways. But she was always kind of a sassy/mean communicator, but she used to make more “mean jokes” and now, she is more mean and less jokes. They’re in their early 70s, dad is in fantastic shape mentally & physically and people think he’s 20 years younger. She is frail and fragile. She still showers and dresses on her own, but she doesn’t cook, drive, wrap presents, keep track of schedules, or form coherent sentences. She tries but it’s getting harder to try and follow and help her find the words. She is very reliant on our dad for everything, their lives are so codependent and intertwined. I can’t really imagine either one of them will be thrilled about getting her care but it’s gotten to the point where neighbors, extended family, and community members have approached my sister and me and asked us what’s going on. Last night someone said to me, “your dad has a lot of activities and organizations he loves doing and being part of, so we need to make sure he is able to keep doing them” which implies it might be time to think about options for getting care for her. What could that look like? I have other questions about her diagnosis too, like what stage is she at? What would happen to her if he died first? Do they have assisted living insurance? How do we know when it’s time to get in-home care vs. moving her to an assisted living facility? How do I approach this conversation with my dad? What other questions do we need to know as her family, or should we respect their privacy? She has no other family left on her own side, we are all she’s got. Thank you and God bless all of you caregivers and loved ones dealing with this illness. You’re not alone.