I don't know why/how I'm still doing this

Hiyaaa y'all,

I don't like posting on reddit a lot. Or the fact of the matter, on a lot of social media about my personal stuff. But I just need to know I'm not losing my shit.

I'm a 21 AMAB. I'm quite old honestly, and been shing "technically" since I was in middle school and to current day. I work in medicine (don't do it lol (joke)), I'm going to university, and I'm trying to go into something within psychatric care. My life sounds good, but I don't know why it doesn't feel right.

I have so many scars because of all the shit I done. I can't go into detail, but I think many of the reasons I gotten so bad is because of the comfort, meaning, and relief I felt with every single version of sh I done. I hate how dependent I am with it. I work in medicine (redneck medicine if you will) and met so many people that are like me. They find comfort that a provider can relate to such pain, and I'm glad I can be there. But honestly, I don't think I'm there for me. I just can't be because there is so many issues I can discuss.

I just don't know how to do any of this. I'm still "young," and still don't know why I haven't gotten better after around three to four years of consistently therapy and higher level interventions. I'm still that broken middle school kid, if not most likely worse. I don't think I can do this shit anymore by myself. I need someone, anyone that is older than me that has more experience in life than me to tell me that there is a possible recovery in my future. Because I honestly feel like I'm going to deal with this for the rest of my life. And I even accepted it to some degree. I don't know what else I can do. I honestly don't. I know it's bad for me, I really do. But just like a smoker can immediately put down a cigarette, I for some reason can't put away sh no matter how much I try to run.

Please someone, help me.