Odd Amnesia where I remember half the time but it isn't 'real' and I scoff at it

In a day I will rapidly swing between 'oh my god these horrible things happened' and 'wow I love him so much! what was I thinking' but it never actually goes away.

I go from:

acceptance it happened, but also it didn't and I can't tell you what 'it' even is, but I forgive him and just want to get over it so we can be friends now that were both adults.

to

guilt and shame and heartache because wait, what if it actually happened?

to

Numb detachment, knowing details if I type but lockjaw when trying to say it out loud.

to

brief explosive fear hatred with nausea and I can't remember the event but I hear what I said and it's so much worse than it has any right to be.

I know it's alters because I got evaluated and I guess I just want others reactions or explanations for if this is what amnesia can also include? Because I have lots of actual no memory stuff but this thing its constant and I never can settle on certainty. Also right now I feel SO guilty for ruining an innocent mans life for saying untrue things about him, and I know he did it. Fml...