Why didn’t I want my partner

I 26m broke up with 26f after 2 years recently because basically I spent 3 months obsessively analysing if my partner was “attractive enough” which was an OCD spiral. To where I couldn’t take it anymore and blindsided my girlfriend and broke up with her. It’s been a couple months, I miss her a lot, more then I thought possible, she was beyond perfect as a partner for me, she was so supportive, loving, funny Af, emotionally intelligent, pretty and we understood each other so well. She was a bit of an anxious attachment. But we were both aware of each other needs. We had a lease together for about a year together. Our life together was incredible it was almost way too good. But here’s where things get interesting.

I felt throughout the relationship there was something in me that didn’t want her. Even getting into the relationship, it was different we met whilst travelling, we had a good time and we kept talking as she mentioned she was coming to visit my city, I thought she was cool, we got along well, but didn’t experince much like “crush” phase. until she came to visit my city for a couple weeks for a holiday, I was off work for a couple weeks so we ended up spending every moment together just us two exploring and I quite quickly fell in love with her, after a few days I told her I loved her and so did she me. We just got along so well. I wouldn’t even really call it like I experienced an infatuation phase, like I didn’t have a “crush” I just connected with her deeply in so many levels. First time of my life I felt like I was completely accepted in my life by someone and it was like I had met someone I had known for a lifetime. I just felt safe and I loved doing what we were doing, I had never had a proper relationship before and it was the first ever time I had a feeling of what it was like to have a girlfriend and it was so good. Ultimately I didn’t really honestly want to date her, I loved her, but I was hesitant about dating her, don’t know why, I just wasn’t sure. I do admit I think a bit of that pressure came down to we had a week together still of plans and I kept running out of excuses as to why I wasn’t sure I wanted to date her untill she kept pushing to try and figure out what we were untill I decided fuck it why not give this a shot.

At that time of my life I was trying to work out why I had never been In a relationship before, I had a few dozen one night stands, I had lots of dates and crushes, but never wanted to pursue anything with someone. I’ve put it down with the crushes as I was afraid of opening up to them and being rejected, so it was easier for me to not be emotionally close so I always found a reason why I didn’t want to date them. I also had a history of only being interested in sex, like as soon as I hooked up with a chick, I was kinda over them and interested in the next. I sorta always said, I just can’t see forever with them. I often had a “fantasy” girl. So my therapist sorta said to me, you sorta just gotta find a girl u like and then choose to build a relationship with them. That’s how u start to see forever with someone. So that’s why I decided that, let’s grow into these feelings. As that was the advice I had received. What a perfect opportunity. So we ended up doing long distance for a year and that went really well, it was honestly perfect. I never wanted a relationship because of the commitment to doing activities I found them overwhelming and I loved my free time. So the long distance was perfect, we’d see each other for a week or 2 every 8 weeks. I got my independence whilst also having a partner it was so nice, I got to have something where I got to be emotionally close to someone I love whilst keeping my freedoms.

It was all going great and even after 6 months I said to my partner, I’m gonna marry u aren’t i when I was with her, it was pretty much perfect. I meant it when I said it. She was a dream, I could not have imagined a better partner. But now, here’s where things get a bit contradictory, I always had an “out” in the back of my mind and like a “timeframe” that I wanted to break up by (x) point. Whether it be 3-6-9-12 etc months. Even thought I wanted forever with her, I also wanted to breakup with her eventually. To go “chase” the fantasy. Even though I wanted forever with her also. But at the same time even though life was unreal, there was this specific feeling, kinda like I didn’t want her specifically. I kinda had in the back of my mind this “dream” girl that use to be a situationship of mine. We had a “situationship” where we spoke for about 2 years 2021-2023. I had a crazy crush on her, I was even slightly obsessed with her, she was in the back of my mind constantly, I thought about her way to often. We mainly text over that time and saw each other at parties, went on a few dates here and there. But they never really went anywhere, I sorta whenever I would see her I would kinda get bored and lose interest after sex. But I never really pursued anything with her anyway, I just didn’t really want to for some reason. But yet I thought about her constantly and quite frankly, I still feel butterflies when I think of her now all these years later and think of her every few days. It’s terribly unhealthy. I don’t fully understand why. Even in my relationship with a perfectly perfect partner.

But I continued to pursue a relationship and hoped to feel these “feelings” with my partner. I never really experinced any “crush” like feelings with her and sort of worked at the relationship, putting effort into it. because I always got so bored and disinterested with women I was noticing a pattern. So I continued to give this a shot, as it met my needs and was unreal. I loved everything about this person. But yet there was something about me that didn’t want her, but at the same time did. But we decided to ultimately make the move and we moved in together. It was incredible, we got along perfect, our lives perfectly matched, it just couldn’t have been any better. I even told her I would be interested in talking about engagements etc at the end of the year. Then it got to about 6 months and we started talking about further commitment and I was very hesitant, not cause I didn’t love her but something felt “missing”. Or just something in me just didn’t want her and I was tryna figure out why. I sat and analysed the feeling for a bit and I then started questioning if I found her “attractive enough” 24/7. I obsessed over this for months, literally 24/7. I recognise that no, I did not find her the most attractive girl I’ve dated, but I found her attractive, I thought how I felt was normal, she was a little chubby, but I never cared about that, as long as I was attracted to you, I didn’t need you to be “hot”, I always believed that the soul matters more. But I couldn’t get it out of my head, ultimately I broke it off, cause I felt I couldn’t discuss this with her. It certainly came as a shock to her, she was heartbroken. I gave her an excuse and didn’t tell her the truth. It hurt me alot, but I felt I couldn’t talk about that to her as she struggled with self image issues. But I’ve now had some time apart and those doubts have stopped and it’s now just been tryna figure out and understand why I just didn’t feel like I wanted her. Even though at the same time I wanted her, but it just didn’t resonate into a strong feeling.

So I’ve been tryna understand why, maybe it’s just as simple as the relationship is perfect, but maybe I never wanted her specifically. Maybe it’s something deeper. Maybe it’s just I don’t want the life with had. But I’m just tryna understand why I didn’t want her an amazingly oerfect partner and yet hold onto this fantasy life I imagined with this precious girl as the life I want. Maybe I just fell into comfort with her. I’m just not comepltly sure. Because I absolutely loved this girl, still do, she is so perfect in every way, would be the perfect life partner, someone I want to want. But just don’t feel it.

Like maybe did I just fall into comfort?
Maybe I just didn’t want her?
Maybe there’s something else going on?

I miss her a lot, I want my future to be with her, but I also want to feel certain feelings with her as something just feels a little bit missing with her. Even though she was a perfect partner in every way. Maybe I’ve just never been “in love”. I don’t know honestly

This might be well explained, it might not be. But I’m hoping for advice and opinions. All appreciated