My gallery of failures

Home was dysfunctional, parents were problematic. So i grew up to have anger issues and to be weird. Got bullied from 7th to 10th because of this. Never realized I was acting differently from others then.

The real shit started when i was 16, corona year. Alone with parents. Their treatment got me into severe depression and anxiety, which made me a whole different person by the time i went to school next year. Quiet and dysfunctional as a person.

Mental health continued to be shit, got the worst marks of my life during 12th. That was my first failure. Took a drop year next, ofcouse failed that too. Got into a shit private engineering college after that. Institutional abuse at its highest, lost money, wasted efforts, believed their lies. Had to drop out because of health issues in the middle. Mother cried like i died, shut me out, and mourned my degree all because i chose my health instead of a degree that left my seniors unemployed and depressed.

Opted for an online degree to focus on my health and actual internships. Later figured out mother had no intention of letting me go out of the district for internships. The degree was painfully underwhelming. Decided to try entrance again. Making my mother allow that took so much of my sanity i started dissassociating after that. I only had 2 months to prep. Fucked up one entrance. The last door for my desired degree closed then. There was another entrance though, i got the marks i had planned in that. But cutoffs changed drastically this year. Tomorrow is the last day of allotments, still havent gotten a call.

Thought i could go abroad if this doesnt work out. But the collateral is still not completely case free. My mother is still inventing stupid ideas everyday to get me into the first entrance college even though my rank is extreeeemely low, no matter how much I tell her. Father keeps spending 2-3 hours of his day mantram chollal with some weird headcovering and symbols he learnt from youtube to save his business which has been running on loss for 15 years.

So if tomorrow by this time, I dont get a call, not only will i have no one to go to to grieve while i feel like an utter failure for the nth time, but i will also have to see the disappointment on my parent's faces even though i tried hard, and handle whatever their weird reactions would be. This is the part that fucks me up the most. The utterly weird things they say and accuse me of, feels like the last of my sanity is being sucked out.

I dont even have a plan b till the case on the land gets cleared.

So most certainly tomorrow, I'd be 22 with no degree, no plan, no support. Just... done and alone with my little gallery of failures.