So my boyfriend (31M) and I (21F) have been together for five months. He lives in America and I live in Iceland. We talk every single day and see each other once or twice a month. When things are good, they’re really good. He tells me he believes in me, encourages me, and makes me feel like I matter. Those moments are the reason I’ve stayed for as long as I have.  
But they’re only one side of him.  
My boyfriend is a narcissist. He’s racist, sexist, and homophobic. Before I met him, I identified as bisexual. Over time I stopped saying that because I knew exactly how he’d react. He says the N word despite not being Black. He’ll make racist comments, homophobic comments, and talk about women as if they’re worth less than men. If I were to tell him I didn’t like what he was saying, it would turn into an argument.

When we have sex, he wants complete control. He slaps me hard, calls me humiliating names, makes me crawl on the floor, and expects me to refer him as my superior. Afterwards I don’t feel loved. I feel embarrassed. I feel used. Sometimes I cry while we have sex, he tells me he thinks it’s hot…  
There are a hundred other things I could say.  
He’s manipulative in ways that are difficult to explain unless you’ve experienced it. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and exactly what to say to make me stay. Sometimes he’ll tell me he’s leaving just to watch me panic. He’ll let me cry, apologize for things I didn’t even do, and beg him not to go. Then, when I’ve completely fallen apart, he’ll comfort me like he’s saving me from the pain that he caused.  
He’s told people to off themselves. He thinks Black people are a disgusting race. He’s sexist. He’s homophobic. He’s cruel when he wants to be. He’s married. He’s very rich. He believes he’s smarter than everyone else, like he’s some God.  
Somewhere along the way, I stopped trusting myself. I started wondering whether I really was too sensitive. Whether I really was overreacting. Whether maybe I deserved the way he spoke to me. He never had to tell me I was worthless. He just had to make me question myself until I started thinking it myself.  
People ask why I don’t just leave.  
I wish it were that simple.  
The man who makes me feel the safest is also the man who makes me feel the smallest. I know the things he says are wrong. I know the way he treats me isn’t something I would ever want for another person.  
And somehow, despite knowing all of that, I still find myself hoping he texted me when I wake up.

Help, my boyfriend is a narcissist