Friend rejecting BPD label, has been spiraling ever since

Hello! I want to ask for advice about a close friend whom I love dearly. I hope this is allowed, if there’s a better place for postint please let me know! I also want to warn about possibly upsetting language below. I only am quoting things I’ve been told for the sake of providing context.

To be clear, my friend is not diagnosed with anything, and that’s sort of the problem. Basically, they were in the process of attending therapy due to trauma, and to just generally figure out how to change certain self-destructive behaviours that impacts their life and relationships.

But when their therapist suggested potentially evaluating them for BPD, my friend abruptly stopped going, and has been wrecked ever since. They talked about how they refuse to be stuck with the ”abusive bitch disease” until they die just because doctors won’t take them seriously, and implied that they don’t believe it should be a diagnosis at all, reasoning that it’s ”just a way to demonize being mad about mistreatment”.

This was 2 years ago, and since they told me all those things, now they only bring it up whenever they spiral. Saying things such as ”I’m just an evil borderline bitch anyway according to doctors. I guess it’s just my destiny to make other peoples lives a living hell with my presence so I might as well kill myself. That way I’d finally make people happy for once.”

Now, I have known this friend for over a decade, and they themselves said that I probably know them better than most. I have seen the way some of their other relationships go up in flames, and how their behaviour turns frantic and erratic towards me in the wake of it.

An ex-partner of mine was diagnosed with BPD (only learned after we parted ways) so I recognize a lot of the same symptoms here, and thus agree with the therapist’s suggestion. 

We can have a good moment, and then suddenly in the blink of an eye they’ll accuse me of intending to abandon them like everyone else. They have a tendency to interpret me explaining things as me being too scared of them to tell them directly to their face that they’re, in their words, a ”triggered bitch”.

For example, I have poor health that makes me very drained some days, and when explaining to try and ensure they don’t interpret my tone as angry, they might imagine the reassurance itself as proof of it being the case. In those instances, they’ll become erratic, apologize profusely, but then sort of grow more angry and agitated the more they self deprecate about how unwanted they are.

To be blunt I do not take these things personally, as I know these are temporary outbursts. I am merely describing these things to provide a general overview of the symptoms I perceive to be there. They are nothing but the funniest and kindest person I have ever met otherwise, and we have a routine that usually works for us when things get heated and they doubt me.

They work extremely hard to try and self-regulate every time their mood shifts, and they always give me a chance to explain my intentions even when they struggle to trust me. I do not take this for granted and I appreciate the work they put in out of their love for me and our friendship. They put equal effort into helping me regulate when I break down from my own issues, so I don’t feel the amount or effort is uneven

But I also think this isn’t sustainable in the long run. Not because I intend to abandon them, but because I notice that this is taking a toll on them. I have been busy this past week due to RL stuff, as well as feeling under the weather due to a very dramatic and nasty break up, and thus I haven’t had as much time for anything social. I’ve noticed that the frequency of their breakdowns have increased noticeably as the days have gone by, even though we still check in daily.

Of course it’s not solely because of me, they’ve had a lot going on in their life as well… but they’ve been lashing out with me in a way they never have previously, and I worry that they’re getting even more burnt out from this.

I don’t think it’s wrong of them to come to me when they need it, but I feel like they might benefit from having other means of support on top of that. I have my own mental health and trauma issues, and again with my physical health as well, I’m not always the best equipped to know what to do in times of tension and stress even if I try my best.

I don’t want to feel like I have to walk around eggshells when it comes to my own needs and feelings just because of unrelated life stuff. And I especially don’t want our otherwise fantastic relationship to take a hit if we can at all prevent it.

I don’t want to force them, but is there any way for me to possibly nudge them towards considering giving therapy another chance? Regardless of any diagnosis, the aversion they have to the BPD label has made things trickier to talk about.

What can I do to approach this with kindness and understanding without compromising my own needs in the process? How firm should I be if sharing my concerns?

Has anyone here struggled to accept BPD before being diagnosed? I’d love to hear about your journey and what helped you through it!

Sorry for the wall of text, and thank you in advance!