(Sweet Revenge) Part 35 - Love, Rosie

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Grace

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“For a second there, I thought Grace would actually tell Josh to leave and stand by her family.” Nicole sounds like someone dissolved Adderall in caffeine and then injected it straight into her veins. “I was SO ready to kill her!” She laughs. I don’t think she has stopped talking or slowed down her pace since we left Gail’s store. “I swear, baby, I love you!” She looks at me. “But if you STILL stood by your family after that, I would have to put my hands on you.”

The night grew warmer on us. Maybe it’s the Universe extending an olive branch after everything it put me through. 

It’s funny how a few months ago, I knew nothing about baseball and now a batting cage is one of my favorite places on campus. I didn’t want to be alone though. Not that Josh and Nic — and Arthur by association — would let me but tonight I needed people.

So we started texting around and an hour later we take over the batting cage with beers, blankets, a small bluetooth speaker and an assortment of friends… mostly the ones that already know what’s been going on with my love life because I don’t feel like hiding tonight. The only two friends who didn’t know (Fabrizio, from Josh’s team; and Kate, from the animal shelter) sort of hooked up and left. Good for them.

“I kinda wish I could have seen it.” Ben laughs, swinging his wrist to move the bat around. “Josh sounded unhinged.”

“He was distributing shame like it was a public service.” Nicole is very impressed.

“Does that mean you like me again?” Josh gets too friendly and Nic’s face immediately turns sour.

“Too early for that. It sucks that I didn’t punch you before.” She sighs.

“You can still punch me! Offer still stands.” He is tending to the machine that throws the balls.

“Yeah, but now I don’t want to as much! That 'Yo Mr. Knot, you graduated 52nd out of 60 in your class, so what the hell are you proud of' comment will keep me warm at night.” She laughs. “Did you really look up Mr Knot’s grades?”

“I was curious!” He feeds a bunch of balls into the machine. “He wouldn’t shut up about Westridge. I figured he graduated Summa cum Laude or something.”

“Wait, I missed that part!” Hailey offers me a beer. “What’s the 50 out of 60 comment?”

“He told my father he shouldn’t be that proud of his Westridge accolades because there are none.” I nod, taking the beer. “Then called him out for graduating 52nd in a class of 60.”

“You said that TO HIS FACE?” Hailey’s jaw drops like she’s trying to reach her chest with it.

“I am nothing if not courageous.” He flaunters looking cozy as fuck in that damned sweater.

“You are plenty of other things besides courageous.” Nicole hisses. “But I’ll let you have tonight.”

“You are very gracious, thank you.” They clink beer bottles.

“I’m still upset you didn’t go harder on that Daniel person.” Arthur says. “That little shit got off scot-free.”

“Who is Daniel and why do we hate him?” Ben is all ready to go up in arms for his friends. This trio really does pick each other’s fights without a second thought.

“Some guy Grace used to date? Did I get that right?”

“Not even.” I explain it. “We liked each other but he had sex with my sister before anything could happen between us. Then… he broke up with my sister, told me he was in love with me and proceeded to shame me for years for telling him I wouldn’t date my sister’s ex.”

“Yeah, we hate Daniel.” Ben raises his bottle.

“Holy shit!” Hailey is aghast. “What sewer did these people crawl out of, Grace? Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I was in love with him for years, it was very pathetic.” I whisper to her and she drapes a comforting arm around my shoulders.

“I know the feeling, girl.” She nods. “I had a really bad crush on a guy once who was only with me to make his ex jealous. That shit hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” I hug her back.

“Yeah. He kept taking me out to places where he knew we’d run into her. He kept asking me to wear more provocative clothes and then take a bunch of pictures together to post on social media. He said beautiful things to me on Instagram that he never said to my face. For a while I thought he loved me… that was a rude awakening.”

“Fucking asshole!” I take her side. “Did you ever get back at him?”

“Nah.” She shrugs. “I guess sometimes there’s nothing you can do but be done. I’m glad that wasn’t the case for you and Daniel.”

“That’s just it! It was!” Arthur is still upset. I think Daniel really reached something under his skin and he is pissed that he had to be quiet about it. “Daniel was walking around like a fucking peacock made of gold, calling Josh a loser and saying Grace was in love with him… and he got a tiny slap on the wrist. He won’t even remember it by morning.”

“I think I was pretty nasty to him.” I defend myself. 

“Grace, I love you.” Arthur is shaking his head. “But your nasty is still too sweet.” He grabs his beer bottle like it’s Daniel’s neck. “That little prick deserved an ass kicking that would make him misplace his ass. I mean… even his fiancée still thinks he is great!”

“Yeah, but it’s like Hailey said… sometimes there’s nothing you can do but be done.”

“Is he on social media?” Ben asks. “We could look him up and find out who she is.”

“Let her know she is marrying a piece of shit?” Josh asks.

“That’s not bad enough.” Arthur is grunting and choking his beer bottle some more. 

“I could seduce his fiancée.” Ben suggests. “End his engagement.”

“OH MY GOD!” Us girls all freak out at the same time. 

“YOU COLLECTION OF MORONS.”

“YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM YOUR MISTAKES DO YOU.”

The boys back down looking scared.

“It was a joke.” Ben whispers but we are in no mood to forgive him.

“I wish I wasn’t straight.” Hailey shakes her head. “Liking men is so hard.”

“Preach.” It’s funny how Nic just met Hailey and Ben but she already feels comfortable around them. “One day I should tell you about me and Mark.”

“Tell me now.” Hailey invites gossip.

“Hey, the machine is all set! Who is going first?” Josh offers a bat to anyone who will take it.

Us girls exchange a look.

“Tell me now!” Hailey turns to Nic, dramatically ignoring Josh.

“Oi, Knot!” He points the bat at me. “This was your idea.”

“Yes, because I like it here! Not because I like being hit by balls!”

“Who is going then?” He finds no takers. “Did I seriously set up the machine for nothing?”

“Oh my God, Callaway!” Hailey stands. “Stop whining over damn baseball things.” She makes us all laugh.

“I’m not whining. I am defending the fruits of my labour.” He gives her the bat and a wink.

Hailey grins, placing the bat against his chest to push him away.

“Back off.” She is sweet but also really fucking sexy. “I’ll show you how it’s done.”

He puts his hands up in awe and surrender while everyone else claps and whistles, and I… I don’t… I don’t like it.

I don’t like that he winked to her.

I don’t like that she is so comfortable with him.

I don’t like her being sexy.

I don’t like him being impressed.

And when she hits that ball really hard and accurate, then I don’t like any of this at all.

“That’s how it’s done, Mr Pitcher.” She catwalks her way back to him.

“If I was pitching it, you wouldn’t be hitting that ball, babygirl.”

“Ooh, is that a challenge?” Ben grabs the bat from Haley. “I want to try.”

“You want me to pitch for you?” Josh laughs. “Benjamin Hill, you are the worst player I have ever laid eyes upon, you are not hitting my balls.”

“Let’s team up then! Yo, Arthur, come pitch for me.”

“It’s opposing teams that pitch for each other, Hill.”

“Well, this isn’t a game, is it Callaway? It’s just a friendly display of YOU SUCK.”

That cracks him up. Ben takes position, looking mighty fine holding on to that bat. Arthur gets some distance to throw Ben a ball that… he… does not hit.

“Arthur, what the fuck was that throw?”

“Yes, let’s blame me.” Arthur laughs.

“My turn!” Hailey takes position. She squares up for that ball like a pro and Josh puts the helmet on her head, he gives it a couple of knocks once she is set and she pretends to kick him, making him laugh pulling away from her strike. Arthur throws and Hailey hits that ball smack on with one perfect motion.

“Atta, girl!” Josh high fives her and I am hugging myself. I can see it. I can see how they fell in love. They have that quiet chemistry that seems very intimate and yet very undeniable.

“Are you ok?” Nicole’s Best Friend Radar must be going wild.

“Yeah!” I give her my best fake smile. “This is so much better than Gail’s grand opening.” I give her a truth because anything less than that and she’ll smell it.

“I know.” She giggles, cuddling up against me.

“See?” Arthur mocks Benjamin. “Hailey could hit it! You couldn't! Not my fault.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ben waves him off. “Let’s see her take one of Josh’s then.”

“Are we betting on that, Benji?” Haley eggs him on. “You and Art versus me and Josh.”

“That’s not fair, Benjamin sucks.” Arthur doesn’t like it.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure I can hit the ball if a Westridge Blue is pitching, you know?” Hailey makes her case.

“Good point. C’mon, Shakespeare!” Arthur takes the bait. “What are we betting?”

“Pizza and beer, losers pay.” She decides.

“Fine. Go for it.”

“Are you in?” Josh turns to me and Nicole but… against the four of them? Even Benjamin is better than us.

“We’re SO good just watching.” Nic panics.

I nod, feeling a little excluded but finding that better than feeling humiliated.

“You sure?” I think Josh is wary of my smile. He doesn’t feel comfortable insisting. He is always trapped in that conflict: does he push me to join or does he respect my space?

“Yeah.” I give him a fake smile.

There are some oohs and aahs when Ben hits a ball and Josh turns his attention away from me.

“C’mon, Hale!” He takes his position. “Bottom of the 9th, it’s all riding on you! Hit it out of the park!”

“Don’t throw it too hard, babe, I’m not a pro.”

“Throw it too hard, babe.” Arthur complains. “Those were the terms.”

“I’ll half ass it.” Josh mocks them all and he is so fucking cute. Dancing with the ball in his hand before making that throw.

My heart is beating funny.

He throws it and Hailey manages to hit it.

“Woohoo!” Josh shouts when they run to each other. “Good girl!” He high fives her again. “In your face, losers!”

“We will take pepperoni, please!” Hailey is laughing as well.

“That wasn’t fair!” Arthur complains. “Josh went SO fucking easy on you.”

“Oh my God, do you wanna go again?” Hailey challenges him.

They huddle a couple of feet from us, mocking and teasing each other. Nic is laughing just fine but I am starting to feel cold. The night isn’t all that warm anymore.

I tuck my hair behind my ears and when I look up I see Ben looking at me.

Straight on. Like he is reading into my soul.

“C’mon, Ben.” Arthur calls him back.

“Nah, man, take Nic for a round!” He jumps up the concrete perch to sit with me. “I suck!”

“Do you want to try one, Gracie?” Josh invites me again. “C’mon! I’ll teach you.”

I don’t want him, right? I can’t get past what he did. I can’t stop hearing his cruel tone or seeing his vicious grin… so I might as well be happy for the two of them?

“I’m ok! I’ll keep Ben company.”

Josh waits for what feels like an eternity before nodding. His smile is sad. He doesn’t feel comfortable insisting on anything. He doesn’t think he has that right, so he is saving it for moments when it really matters.

“How about I pitch and you bat, Josh?” Hailey is jumping up and down but he is not as excited.

“He doesn’t love her anymore.” Ben says.

“W-what?”

“Josh. He doesn’t love Hailey anymore.” 

“I… It’s none of my business.”

“I know. But you were looking really jealous over a high five so I thought I’d calm your heart.”

“I wasn’t… jealous.”

“Mhm.” He side eyes me. “You know a huge part of acting is watching people. Understanding how they react to things. And you are a textbook model for a jealousy scene, right now. Contrived. Not over-acting. 

“Ben…”

“He doesn’t love her anymore.” He says it again and I’ll be damned if that’s not good to hear. “He did when they were together. Though I doubt it was as strong as what he feels for you, but he did love her. When she left, he was upset for a while but he moved on. He was angry at her for hurting him, sure… but I don’t think he’s been in love with her anymore, not for a very long time. Even if you weren’t around, I don’t think they would ever be anything more than friends. And with you around… there is no chance.”

I look at him.

He is one gorgeous motherfucker but sometimes he looks so… fragile.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’m your friend and I was shitty to you before. I’m trying to do better. Now, c’mon.” He nudges me. “Team up with me.” He jumps down.

“For what?” I widen my eyes. “Baseball?”

“Yeah! Let’s show them what a couple of losers can do.”

“You mean lose?” I make him laugh. “No, I think I’m ok.”

“Are you playing?” Josh is back. Hailey is behind him, holding the ball. I think he was about to bat, but he stopped just to check in on us. On me.

“I don’t think s-“

“C’mon, Gracie.” He can’t hold back anymore. “Come play a few rounds. Please?”

Ben offers me a hand and I take it. He helps me jump down by holding my waist and Josh takes a few steps my way like he really wanted to be there to help me instead of Ben.

But I’m down now: both feet on the ground and there is nothing left for him to do.

“Make way for us!” Ben boasts and Arthur hangs his head down.

“I’m horrible at batting.” I tell him.

“Then you pitch.” He says. “Throw it easy and I’ll hit it for us!”

“You say throw it easy as if I knew how to throw it hard.” I grunt and Hailey hands me a ball.

I hold the damn thing and it feels alien.

“Just throw it the best you can.” Josh puts a helmet over my head and he takes a really long time to adjust it. He is making sure my hair is tucked out of my eyes and that the helmet is properly in place. I like the way he smells. I like that he is really close. “If it’s not a good throw, we’ll all blame Benjamin anyway.”

“That’s the spirit!” Ben shouts.

“Picture Daniel’s face!” Arthur suggests and he really made a nemesis tonight, didn’t he?

I hold the ball tight and I throw it the best I can and I… I throw it so far away from Benjamin that there was not a chance in God’s Green Earth that he would ever hit it.

Everyone stares at the ball rolling on the ground like a dead animal.

“Ok, so there is room for improvement.” Josh nods.

“Someone else go!” I whine.

“No, no, you got this! C’mon!” Josh chuckles getting the ball back. “Here. Hold it like this.” He closes my fingers around the ball, then he stands behind me. “Feet here.” He kicks my feet apart. “Stand up like this.” He is trying to teach me how to do it while I’m just making a mental checklist of body parts. His hand is on my stomach. His chest is pressed against my back. His breath is on my neck. His hand is closed around my fist holding the ball. “You’re gonna move like this… and just picture a square around his bat, just… a rectangle right next to him, ok? That’s what you’re aiming for.”

“I don’t think you understand how bad my aim is.”

“Oh, I just saw it. Right now, I’m running on faith alone.” He says in my hair and I don’t know anything about pitching, but I don’t think these shivers down my spine are gonna make it any easier. “You got this.”

“That’s lot of faith.”

“Just blame Ben if you miss.”

“Harder to do when I miss him by five nautical miles.”

His laughter is warm in my ear, but his hand on my stomach is warmer. He holds me tighter and I don’t think I can pitch with my eyes closed, so this is an urge I should try to fight.

“I’m really bad at baseball.” I whisper. 

“Yeah.” His nose slides up and down my cheek, just once. Just once. Like he is trying to hold back but, for a second, he failed. He is trying to fight the urge to rub his nose on my skin just like I’m trying to fight to keep my eyes open. “It’s kind of endearing.” He whispers and his voice is in my ear. I can feel his breath inside my skull.

He holds me even tighter and his hand is caressing my stomach while he keeps trying to show me how to throw.

Benjamin puts his bat down, holding it up against the ground.

“If you two could stop making out and throw the ball that would be swell.”

“Yeah.” Arthur chuckles. “You can make out on the sidelines, you know? Let someone else pitch.”

I blush, shrinking away from Josh.

“You got this?” His hands loosen around my waist.

“I got this.” I promise, only able to breathe after he takes a few steps back.

I throw the ball and it’s a little bit better than before, but not the best.

Ben does a little run to the side to be able to sort of bat it and we all count it as a win.

“Maybe I should get a job with the Westridge Blues!” I celebrate.

“You would be great at counting the score!” Josh mocks me. “Handing out water bottles!” I poke him with the bat to shut him up. I think he is going to fight me for it, but all he does is grab the bat to pull me closer.

He hugs me and I love this fucking sweater so much.

Oh my God. I need a five hour therapy session this week.

I went from hating him, to avoiding him, to understanding him, to seeking him out, to politely keeping him at bay, to being glad he was around, to… being friends?

Is that what we are now?

I don’t know if I have the energy to handle more.

But I don’t know if I have the resolve to settle for less.

“Maybe I should pitch for you next.” Josh says.

“I think I’m gonna sit and watch for a little bit.”

“Ok. I’ll sit with you.”

“No, you go! Go do baseball.”

“Go do baseball?” He laughs.

“Yes.” I give him a quick kiss on the cheek and his arms lock around me. His eyelids drop very slowly.

“Yeah, I’m not going anywhere now.” He whispers.

“Hey, who is pitching?” Benjamin swinging that bat around is a hazard.

“Not me! I’m sitting it out.” He shouts back.

“You don’t need to sit with me.” I tell him.

“I want to.”

“Josh-“

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” His smile is so pretty. “I’ll just sit with you for a little bit. Can I?”

It’s so strange. We are so comfortable with each other and, at the same time, so uncomfortable.

He doesn’t know what — if anything — he is allowed to ask or want. I don’t know what — if anything — is smart of me to give or take. 

He walks me to the benches in the back and no questions are asked by our friends.

We sit and watch Hailey throw to Ben.

“She is good.” I say.

“Eh.” 

“Not compared to you, asshole.” I laugh. 

He turns to look at me and smile in silence.

“What?” I ask.

He doesn’t answer me, he just nudges me with his shoulder.

“What?”

“You did good tonight. Standing up to Daniel and all. I was really proud of you. Not t-that... Not that you care about impressing me or something!” He gets very nervous. It’s cute. “I-I-I didn’t mean it like that!”

“Josh, relax! I get it!” I lightly pat his leg. “And you were amazing tonight. I know I asked you not to come and all, but I’m glad you did. Thank you for having my back.”

“Any time.”

My hand sort of rests on his legs and he runs his knuckles on it. It’s so weird when you have a crush on someone, isn’t it? Touches suddenly acquire new meaning. If Ben’s knuckles were on my hand I wouldn’t care. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even notice.

But Josh slides his knuckles on my skin for a fraction of a second and I feel it vibrating through eternity. My hand burns where he touched, longing to feel him again.

I bring my hand back to my own lap to keep it safe.

Are we friends? Do I want to be your friend? Or do I want to kiss you?

My therapist said my feelings don’t need to make sense to anyone but me, which is great advice! Really great! But what the fuck do I do if my feelings don’t make any sense to me either? 

Oh my God, I need a spreadsheet so bad right now.

“I thought you were gonna kick me out.” He says. “Honestly, I was setting you up for that, you know? I would shame your family, then have you save them and be the hero.”

“That does sound like me. But you wanna hear something funny?”

“Always.”

“That thought never even crossed my mind. I didn’t want to save them this time.”

“Good for you.” He smiles. “But it’s ok if you did though. It wouldn’t make you weak or spineless. You take on a lot… whatever lessens your load is ok.”

“Yeah.” I scratch my forehead. “I should enjoy tonight because my parents will drive me crazy soon enough.”

“It’s a good thing you don’t need them.”

“That’s the only reason I’m hanging in there.”

“You mean your new job? You don’t like it?”

“Boss is an idiot and it’s really far away… but it’s fine. I got this.”

“Come back to the sub shop!”

“Josh…”

“I’m serious! Benjamin runs the joint, he can hire you again. We haven’t filled the position yet. You should come back.”

“I don’t know.”

“Where are you working now? How far from campus is it?”

“It’s by the bay. It’s a place called Tortuga Sails & Jet Sk- What?” Josh is looking at me like someone drew all his lottery numbers.

“You are kidding me! You work with Kenny?” He looks like absolute bliss.

“You know Kenneth?”

“YES, I know Kenny!”

“I don’t think he likes being called Kenny.”

“He HATES it! Is he the idiot boss?”

Now I feel bad.

“Yeah. I’m sorry! Is he your friend?”

“No!” He is laughing his ass off. “Oh my God, life is just so fucking funny.”

“Yo! Callaway!” I tug on his sweater. “Tell me!”

He captures the hands that did the tugging so he can caress them.

“Remember how you gave me a wrong number the night we met?”

“Yeah.”

“It was Tortuga’s.”

Now I’m laughing like I got lottery numbers too.

“You’re joking!”

“Am not! I kept calling trying to reach you, it pissed off Kenneth. So I sort of had fun with it.”

“You prank called him?” I am laughing like crazy.

“Kept calling him Kenny too!”

“That makes me happy, he is such an asshole.”

“I can prank call him more!”

“Not when I’m on schedule, please.” 

“Come back to the sub shop, Gracie. Please? You were never meant to leave. It was nasty of us to-“

“Josh, I…” Remembering those weeks makes me like his sweater less. “I don’t want to talk about what happened then, ok? Please. I… It triggers something inside me. It makes me see you differently. So let’s just… I will think about the sub shop, ok?” His tone. His evil grin. He is that person too. 

“Yeah, of course.” He nods, pulling back. Giving me space. “I’m sorry.”

I remember everything he said to me that night.

I still remember every word.

“Do you uh… Do you want to go for a walk?” He invites me. For a walk. In the dark. Just the two of us.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“What is it with you and that line?” I chuckle. “You keep saying nothing has to mean anything!”

“Because it doesn’t!” He smiles. “I mean, not unless… I don’t know.”

“Not unless what?”

Whatever question he wants to ask is both scaring him and emboldening him.

“You were arguing with Daniel.” He clear his throat. “And you told him you fell in love with me?” He tugs on his own sweater, feeling uncomfortable not inside his own clothes but inside his own skin.

“I did.” I tell him.

“Is it true? Did you fall in love with me?”

“I did.”

He keeps pulling on his sweater, like if he stops moving the world will stop spinning.

“And… are you still?”

Am I?

Am I still?

I’m jealous of Hailey. I like it when he hugs me. I might even want him to kiss me. So I must be in love, right?

But how could I let him kiss me? How could I ever spend the night in his bed without shaking in terror that he would kick me out again? I don’t think he is capable now, but neither did I before. So I must not be in love, right?

“D-don’t.” Josh shakes his head. “You don’t need to answer it.” He chooses. “If it’s taking you this long to think about it then, at the very least, it’s a complicated feeling.”

“I guess.” I try not to shy away from him. “The best I can explain it… I fell in love with you and when you hurt me, I wished there was a switch I could flip or a button I could push that would make me fall out of love with you. Something quick that could make me not care. But there was no such thing. Now, I know it was a misunderstanding and I wish there was a switch or button… that could make me forget the hurt and pretend it never happened because you never meant to inflict it.”

“But there’s no such thing.”

“I still feel something for you, Josh, I can’t deny that. But I don’t know if it’s something alive and growing stronger inside my heart or if it’s just the remains or what I felt before taking its time to die. I… I don’t know what it is. And I mean… we’ve barely spoken for a month.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.” He nods a lot. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be pushing you like that. I made my peace with not deserving you and I told myself that I just wanted to see you happy with someone better than me… and yet here I am flirting with you.”

I make a face.

“Is this how you flirt? Humiliating a girl with baseball?”

“Of course! Worked on you the first time, didn’t it?”

“OUCH!” I nudge him so hard he nearly falls off the bench. We’re laughing now… it’s timid at first, but we are on our way.

“I’m not gonna pressure you, Gracie. And I… I’m not gonna pursue you either, ok? I don’t want to end up suffocating you or losing you as a friend. But I’m here. If you… if you decide anything… let me know?”

“I want us to try to be friends, Josh. I know I said I didn’t, but I was wrong. I do want to. Do you think we could?”

“Yeah, of course!” He grins. “I knew you couldn’t keep away.”

“Oh yeah?” I laugh.

“Yeah! You love being humiliated on baseball! It’s like a kink to you at this point! You know what else you love?” He stands like he is ready to run, so I stand because I will run after him! “You love my cooking…”

“What cooking, Callaway? You put cream cheese on toast, yes, very french cuisine.”

“… You love my organizational skills…”

“I once found a potato inside your sock drawer.”

“… You love my sweaters!”

“That I do, but we really should talk about the potato thing again, I don’t think we gave that enough attention the first time around.”

“You talk a big talk for someone who once confused Kant with Sartre.”

“I misquoted him and I corrected it IMMEDIATELY!”

He clutches his metaphorical pearls.

“How can you ever live with yourself making such a mistake?”

“Oh my God, SHUT UP!”

“Make me, Knot!”

“I have something that will get you off my back!”

“Yeah, let’s hear it!”

I lick my lips and I can’t help a quick look at Hailey because she was responsible for sparking this curiosity.

“What makes a woman good in bed?”

“Ok… wow…”

“Told you it would get you off my back.”

“Was that just to make a point or…?”

“It was an actual question.”

“Is this about…” That night. He doesn’t want to say the words. I just asked him not to talk about it. “What is this about?”

“This is about me trying to learn something new for the future.” It’s not about the past.

“Good sex is chemistry, Grace, there is no recipe.”

“Bullshit! You’re telling me you don’t have specific things you like to see a woman do?”

“Oh, so this is about being good in bed for me?” He grins a little too much.

“Calm down, Callaway, I’m just looking for tips over here.”

“HEY, YOU CAN’T BE HERE!” A security guard shouts in the distance.

“Shit!” Josh holds my wrist and drags me in tow when he runs.

“Shit?” I panic. “What do you mean shit?” We are all hurrying to pick up our things and make a run for it before the security guard reaches us. “You said we could be here!”

“No! I said it shouldn’t be a problem!”

“You’re gonna argue semantics now? Really?”

“Gracie, baby, I love you, but you’re the one arguing!” He keeps pulling me but I get the hang of things now, I don’t need to be pulled anymore. We all run back to the entrance, but we see the lights of another security guard coming that way.

“Maybe just let them catch us and…” I try to speak the voice of reason but the pack of my fellow 20-year-old friends are giggling and turning this into some adventure they will tell their grandchildren and that’s how I end up running down a hallway that leads to the upper bleachers. 

We notice another flashlight and suddenly our big group splits into smaller groups like it had a mind of its own. I get lost in the whirlwind, Josh tries to hold my hand but he is too far away and the security guard’s light is right there. I shove myself into a broom-closet-thingie with Ben and the last thing I see are Josh and Hailey squeezing into a crevice in the wall to hide.

Shit.

I close my eyes tight. 

I’m more concerned about the splitting of this party than with the security guards on our tail.

The broom closet is not that big, but it’s enough for me and Ben to be somewhat comfortable.

“Sorry.” He whispers.

“Huh?”

“I’m guessing I’m not the one you wanted to get stuck with?”

“We’re just friends, Ben.” I sigh.

“You and me?”

“Me and Josh.”

“Oh? You’re doing the Just Friends thing?”

“It’s not a thing. I… I don’t know if I can get over what he did. I don’t know if I should.”

“Mhm. Have you tried kissing him?”

“What for?”

“To see if you can get over it?”

“Shh!” I shut him up with my hand because the security guards are on top of us.

I hear one say that maybe we left.

The other says he’ll circle back the other way.

We hear steps but there is no way to know if it’s safe out… and he did say he would circle back. No idea how long that will take.

Benjamin, however, does not seem to care.

“Ok, don’t say I never did anything for you.”

“What?”

He opens the door.

“Benjamin!” I panic-whisper, but he is gone. He lunges for one of our hiding spots and pulls Josh out so he can throw himself in with Hailey.

“What the fuck!” Josh has no idea what’s going on, but he knows where Ben ran out of, so he runs in and it’s good that he did because the security guard circles back the second he shuts the door.

I grab his sweater.

The broom closet feels smaller now.

Benjamin is taller and stronger than Josh, and we were both fitting in here just fine. But Josh warps the space around him. Suddenly there is no more room for anything. We are wrapped around each other and every attempt at moving just brings us closer together.

“Sorry.” He whispers when he tries to move this way and his nose brushes on my cheek. “Sorry.” He whispers when he tries to move that way and his groin rubs a little too close.

Josh puts his ear closer to the door trying to hear what’s happening outside, but he needed not do that because when the security guard talks he is right outside our door.

I put my finger over my lips, warning Josh to shh.

He nods… and the world slows down.

His head leans down to mine until our foreheads are resting on each other’s. It is then inevitable that our noses meet. His lips touch my finger still on my lips telling him to be quiet. He puckers his lips for a second and I think he will kiss my finger… the finger resting on my lips. If he kisses it… he might as well kiss me.

But I think he remembers the promise he made not ten minutes ago that he would not pressure me, nor would he pursue me.

He closes his eyes. 

He doesn’t kiss the finger. He doesn’t kiss my lips. He doesn’t break his promise. But that is all he doesn’t do.

He goes for everything else.

His hold on my waist is sweet but firm. The sliding of his nose is never-ending and his heavy eyelids set a fire inside me that is hotter than any stare.

I move my head like I’m about to kiss him and he moves to follow. Our faces move… making our lips dance around each others without ever touching. His lips brush on mine maybe once or twice, but a touch so light that neither of us can be fully convinced that it happened. 

The noses though… the noses are our only certainty.

My hands travel up his chest, all the way into his hair.

His hands travel around my waist, locking me to himself.

I have no idea how both me and Benjamin managed to fit in this closet! This fucking thing is tiny. It’s crushing around me and Josh, we can’t even stand properly in here. He needs to bend me back a little or his head will hit the ceiling, I am sure! The walls keep pushing us closer and closer together.

He leans into me.

He presses his nose on mine.

“Hurry up!” The knocks are quickly followed by Benjamin’s face opening our door and demanding we run.

I can’t breathe.

Neither can Josh.

But we join our friends and run down the hallway making our way back to the side entrance and the parking lot after that.

“Did you kiss him?” Ben whispers when everyone is saying their goodbyes.

“No! We were in there for like ten seconds!”

His grin is a powerful thing.

“You were in there for fifteen minutes. Time stood still, hm?”

“Shut up, Benjamin.”

“Yeah, yeah, everybody blames Ben.”

“You need to stop meddling!”

“From the looks of it, I need to meddle more!”

“I don’t know how I feel about Josh.”

“You should kiss him and find out.”

“Shut up!”

“Kiss him!”

“You are a horrible friend!”

“I’m trying to help him get his girl!”

“I meant TO ME!”

“Hey.” Josh interrupts our aggressively-whispered conversation. “Do you need a ride?” He asks me.

Do I?

Do I want to be alone with him?

Yes, because I want a kiss.

No, because that’s stupid.

My therapist says my feelings don’t need to make sense to anyone but me, eh?

Great fucking advice.