Pizza

I’ve been trying to understand myself because I feel like my behaviors don’t make sense.

Since I was younger, I’ve had a tendency to lie and create versions of myself that seem more interesting or impressive. When I was in elementary school, I lied about things like my family owning certain things, what my house looked like, or being able to give people things because I wanted to be the favorite and feel special. Later, I created fake situations and friendships because I wanted people to see me differently.

I also have a really intense imagination. I create entire lives in my head where I’m a different version of myself  like someone who is prettier, has more friends, is more loved, and is someone people notice. I’ll listen to music, dance around my room, and act out scenarios for hours sometimes. I know these people and situations aren’t real, but they feel comforting. It’s like a place I go when real life feels fucked.

When something painful happens, instead of feeling it normally, I often replace it with a fantasy. For example, if someone I like hurts me, ill imagine myself as someone else living a better life where people want me and regret losing me. It gives me a rush and makes the pain disappear.

The confusing part is my relationships. I crave being chosen and being important to someone, but when someone starts depending on me too much I feel trapped and want to distance myself. Then I feel guilty for leaving. I don’t always feel guilt when I hurt people in other ways like lying and manipulating but I feel guilty when I disappear from someone who cared about me.

I also notice that I often see friendships as something I have to “win.” I like when people open up to me, but I think about it as gaining friendship points rather than just caring naturally. Because I know I can create a version of myself for people, I constantly worry that everyone else is doing the same thing so I overanalyze people’s motives.

I have self-harmed before but that doesn’t really matter as much. Last time I did was like 2 months ago.

I think some of this might come from my childhood. My mom was very strict with me when I was younger. I remember being hit for bad grades and struggling with schoolwork. I was threatened if I didn’t finish something, and I became so afraid of disappointing her that I would shake and panic. I eventually started hiding bad grades and forging signatures because I was scared of her reaction. When me or my sister try bringing up these memories, she says we only remember the bad things and that we’re ungrateful. My sister has more empathy for her than I do. Sometimes she amazes me how brainwashed she is. I get my mother sacrificed a lot for us but for her to have treated us that way when we were only 6-8 is insane.

I remember coming home with a bad grade in 1st grade (I was 7). I remember when I received the paper my breathing stopped and I was thinking of ways to save myself like maybe stealing one of my classmate’s papers and showing it to my mom instead. Anyways I went home, she saw it, and hit my neck with a folder leaving a bleeding mark. 20 minutes later, she had asked who did that to me. I told her it was her and well she started laughing and calling me crazy. After that I started hiding the bad grades and forging signatures. I remember she’d make me stay up late at night just to practice my reading and would not let me go sleep before I memorized certain things. She’d pull my hair if I made a mistake writing my name at 5 or 6. Anyways I am 16 now and have a brother that’s 8. Thankfully she doesn’t treat him the way she treated us. He’s very sensitive though to the point of crying if even getting told off. That said, I could really not imagine him having to go through what I did.

Apart from this, my parents never liked each other. My mom only settled down because she had to be married before 30 in her culture. My dad is 13 years older than her. They met through friends and my mom had agreed to a marriage and left her boyfriend from Germany cause he wouldn’t propose. Her and my dad came to live in Canada. My dad was broke, didn’t have a citizenship despite having lived there for 20 years even before. He didn’t have a car and lived in a small room apartment. My mom got pregnant with me a year after arriving. She started working and my dad’s friend had accepted to take us in. Anyways we finally got a house, my mom got her citizenship. Still nothing from my dad. He’d tell her that her money was his, didn’t care for her being pregnant, etc. Later on, he became a taxi driver. We managed and my sister came a year after me. My mom gave up on so many opportunities despite having graduated with a degree in law. I really do feel bad about that. Anyways, she basically hated her life. I still remember when we didn’t have a car, she’d take the bus with me in her arms while she was pregnant with my sister. We were basically poor. Even now, my dad doesn’t work and she’s the only one working.

Growing up, my mom would tell me about how my dad treated her and I kind of resented him for it. I’d get into fights with him often when I was only 9. I’d call him names and we just didn’t have the best relationship.

My mom fell in love with her doctor the same year she arrived to Canada. She’s been in love with him for 17 years now despite him telling her he had a wife. She’s like super obsessed with him and tells me all about it. Sometimes I don’t feel like talking about it and she goes on about how every mother talks about this kind of thing with her daughter which I obviously know is not true at all. I don’t talk to her about how I feel or anything. I lie to her a lot too.

Good thing is she doesn’t hit us anymore, she mostly just uses names and words now. Sometimes calls me a narcissist other times just selfish . I do get amazing grades now though which I’m proud of but she doesn’t care as much anymore.

I don’t know what to make of myself. I’m scared that I’m a bad person or that I lack empathy, but at the same time I’m constantly analyzing myself and trying to understand why I do these things. I’ve hurt many of my friends as well as gotten hurt by many. Felt replaced many times and imagined being the people who’ve hurt me. I feel jealous of them.

I don’t feel normal