Feeling hopeless all the time and afraid of time running out.

hi guys :) this is a pretty messy and quick post to vent because i really don't have anyone to talk to about this. (I also apologize for my mistakes if i make any, i'm not a native english speaker!)

I am a 19 year old woman turning 20 in a few weeks. I am a college student, currently back home from school for break (which makes the situation probably even worse). I've noticed that my mental health is getting worryingly worse for some reason. I genuinely don't know what to do, and I don't want to be a burden to the few friends I have by telling them that i feel like that. I feel trapped in a vicious cycle that i can't escape. i have no energy left, i've noticed that I'm eating less and less (sometimes just one meal a day because i just don't feel hungry), I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore, i want to isolate myself all the time because pretending to be happy around people is draining me. I cry over nothing as well. Sometimes when i am having lunch or dinner with my parents, i pretend i have to go to the bathroom but it's just so I can cry without them noticing. I'm having a very hard time being active and engaging in conversation too. I genuinely don't understand why i feel this way. It started when I was in middle school but it has rarely been as bad as it has been over the past few months. I've never dared to see a therapist even though i've had depressive/anxious episodes since I was very young.

Unfortunately, I'm also starting to have thoughts i shouldn't be having. And guess what? my parents are beginning to suspect that i'm probably really depressed! But instead of being understanding, they put a lot of pressure on me and are almost constantly irritated when they notice that i'm even slightly upset/sad. I can't explain to them how I feel because they'll just yell at me and tell me I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Most of the time they think I'm sad because of something they did but that has absolutely nothing to do with it. I don't really have anything to complain about, materially or otherwise. And i told them many times but they just don't understand. They are NAGGING all the time. I can hear them from my room just talking about how weird i am behaving, how i'm always so pessimistic and all that stuff for MINUTES. It triggers me even more that i can't even be upset in peace. I just can't wait to be back to college even if staying in a shitty dorm isn't much better. But at least i wouldn't have to hear them complaining all the time. And i would probably feel more comfortable to seek help with a professional. 

So yeah. I feel depressed and incredibly hopeless about my future. I also feel so old for some reason now that i'll be turning 20. Feels like my life is literally over and that i should not even bother to try making something out of it. I am doing challenging studies, and overall i believe i'm on the right track (many people around me say so), but i don't feel that way at all. I am not fulfilled and I believe i'll never be. I don't believe people who say i have my whole life ahead of me anymore because to me that's a big lie. I don't know what's going on in my head that makes me so resigned to thinking my life is wasted. This is messed up.

i think thats all :> byyeeee