Coming out again and again and again as a “straight presenting” lesbian

Hi,

I want to vent. Today, at work, I once again had to come out. Talking about vacation plans I literally mentioned going on holiday with my girlfriend soon. Then I asked this colleague if she would be going anywhere and she mentioned going alone, so I asked her if she was single, just out of curiosity. Then she asked to check if I was also single. I had literally mentioned plans with my girlfriend just before, so I said no I am actually together with my girlfriend who I’m going on holiday with soon. We have been together for a bit over 2 years now.

Her reaction wasn’t rude or anything, she sort of apologised for assuming and then continued to be very nice. And I get it in a way. I happen to look very straight. Straight people assume I’m straight, gay people assume I’m straight. I find it super annoying.

When I was 19 and I initially came out I did have a phase where I tried to look “more gay” by wearing flannels, etc. I also noticed that I don’t feel like I am really myself if I “butch it up”, so I don’t anymore.

And it is really fine. I live in a super accepting environment and hardly face any real issues other than some surprise or awkward situations. But it’s just so annoying that for all of my life I will probably have this? Every time again and again and it’s just a bit frustrating. Every time a situation like this happens I have to think “is it worth it to come out now”, “how will they react”.

I also sometimes find it difficult when I meet other queer people for the first time and they also assume I’m straight. I feel like I always have to state it in some way to make it obvious and sometime that’s not the first thing you want to do? It makes me feel like I’m missing out on a bit of indirect solidarity and acknowledgement?

I also know it’s a privilege to look very straight. My girlfriend is also quite feminine presenting so when we are together people often assume that we are friends. Annoying, but because of that we can literally hold hands without facing any realistic fear of harassment. I have the freedom to decide when I come out and benefit from the safety that comes with that.

But still, I hate this so much. Its exhausting.