killing myself but ruining my life first

summer is always the worst for me. im relapsing with selfharm. im developing an eating disorder. i started smoking. looking into more things to ruin my life. im moving out at the end of august. and then i can just get even worse. away from everyone. and in a year I'll be graduated from college. and then theres literally no point to keep living anymore. actively looking online for abusive people who want to encourage me to get worse and kill myself. i genuinely do not fucking care about myself anymore. I've been depressed since i was 11. im 23 now. theres no fucking point in trying anymore! everytime it gets better it just gets EVEN worse afterwards. i wasnt meant to be human. i wasnt meant to be alive. it'll be better this way.