Trying to take God more seriously as a teenager for the "second" time in my life, and my head is a complete mess.

This is gonna probably be a lot so buckle up.

To be completely honest, this started about three weeks ago out of fear. I have always been raised in a Christian household, and from what I can remember, this is technically the second time I feel like I have really been putting in consistent effort to get closer to God, but I can't remember a lot from that period of my life when I was actively reading my bible every day, no excuses, not lusting, etc. It was over 3 years ago now. Now I'm about to start college, and I want to change.

This is the fear part: I almost had an anxiety attack trying to visualize how long eternity is. All I could think of is how terrifying an eternity in hell would be. Literally 100,000,000,000 years from now, you wouldn't be a second closer to the end. Not a single other thing to look forward to forever. Not a second closer to happiness at any point in time. It just randomly hit me at work when I was thinking about it, and I almost fell over from how much just came over me. Even at the time, and now, the concept of eternity at all is scary. It's like I just learned that we have immortality. Because to some extent, we will be conscious forever. Infinity. It doesn't end. It's just that some of us, and according to what I've heard, the majority of humanity will spend that eternity on fire, forever, with no chance of getting out. Even writing this is making my hands shake. It sounds so scary. The other majority will be having fun in heaven, but even the concept of living forever is a little scary. I don't know what about it is. Both being in Hell or just ceasing consciousness sound scary, but even living forever in heaven I'm not sure about. The concept of anything being forever is just scary to me.

After this realization at work, I went back to 0, and trying to work my way back. I'm trying to read the recommended "beginner" bible chapters like John. Doing daily devotions. Trying to pray every day. Cleaning up my language and music. Trying to gossip and lie and steal less. But I can't shake the feeling of the afterlife now. You're telling me my best friends who believe in a different religion now are just doomed to forever burn because they never learned about Jesus? I can't imagine my literal day ones burning forever. I don't even want to think about it. What about the ones who just can't believe that we believe in someone who turned water into wine, walked on water? Are they doomed as well? It's terrifying to think about. We live 70-110 years naturally, max. That is NOTHING in the face of eternity.

Another concept I'm struggling with is the origin of this new effort I'm making for Christ. Am I doing this because I love him, or because I want to avoid Hell? To be honest, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm leaning towards the latter. I keep seeing people say "just give it time, fear leads many to the door but his love brings us in". Or "Pray for God to change your heart posture to love him instead". But who's to say he won't come back tomorrow? Time isn't guaranteed. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

Prayer is hard for me, too. I thought that the voice of God would just be so obvious if I just really focused. If I hoped really hard, I would just hear him talking in my ear like my dad or my friend for example. But I don't hear anything. I'm trying so hard, I've watched videos that tell you to "feel" his presence before you start talking, to ask him "God, what do you think about this" then continuing your prayer when you get a response, but I can't hear anything. I don't know what to do.

Spreading the gospel is especially hard for me as a pretty timid person. I don't even know where to start with this, because half the time I'm not sure the time or place to do it, and how to do it at all. What qualifies as spreading the gospel anyway? Sending your friend a Christian TikTok? Or going to preach in the street? I know the bible says if we deny Christ then he will deny us in front of his father, but I sometimes feel just too nervous/embarassed if for example, we are in a sinful situation and I think to recommend an alternative.

Its so hard as a young adult male, too. About to start college, you know how guys are. "We're getting after this girl, and this girl, drinking this, going to this party, sleeping with this", and I sometimes laugh along, playing it off, because I know I won't do that kind of stuff, but I don't know where the line is drawn with me being complicit to it. I believe the bible says that not stopping your brother from sin is no different than you doing it, no? It's hard at this age as a guy, because you know that you're going to be different from those around you. It's hard to be different, especially when you already don't have the best self-confidence.

I just wish I knew what I was doing. I'm just so lost right now. My head is all over the place. Thank you for reading. Please help me.