(19) I feel very little/no emotional warmth towards my family and most people, even though I help out in practical ways, like giving away money.

I don't know how else to explain it, but I only show "care" for my family through practical actions. I feel so little emotional attachment to them, and growing up in such a big family, always having to clean up after them and deal with their bullshit, has just made me tired of seeing them. Even just their presence is enough to make me at least somewhat on edge and irritated. That's definitely one of the biggest reasons why I took this job completely across the country, just to get away from them all and to have some time away.

Whenever my parents message me because they miss me, like my mom just did, all I can feel is annoyance and irritation. They're not bad parents by any means, they're actually pretty open and supportive people. I tend to have very strong negative viewpoints and personal traits that overall make me pretty discontent and critical of human existence, expressing empathy, and just finding satisfaction and being grateful for the little things. I think my strong dislike towards human appearances is probably one of the biggest reasons why my behavior towards them is so restrained and transactional. That's not to say I'm completely void of any empathy, like for example I try to help out animals and small insects all the time, but I feel like when it comes to people, my family included, there's just such a massive disconnect, and it feels weird when I hear people talk about how much they love their parents and stuff like that, because I can't relate to it. I'll help them out if they ask me for money since they often times are strapped, but I can only think of it as a favor and doing so out of obligation, not from any personal warmth.

I don't want to make this too long winded or edgy sounding, especially since I'm finding it a bit challenging to think clearly right now and write out my thoughts. My headspace right now is super jumbled. I just wanted to see if anyone relates to this, at least somewhat, and I don't write things out like this often. Thanks for reading :7