How to stop feeling so insecure and empty?

Growing up, my mother was extremely controlling. Everyday is just home and school. No friends, no school activities, no other outside stuff. I still feel okay back then. I hated my life alot because i never got to make a single decision and feel like i wasn’t really living but i wasn’t insecure or anything. Just feel emotionally numb all the time

It lasted all the way till i was in polytechnic when i decided to start making friends and i managed to make a group of friends and they were all very nice. But it’s also the time when she started becoming verbally abusive. It was also covid and i was just home everyday and i start to feel very insecure at home at that time. I will also feel very empty every night till the point where i felt it in my body and it hurts alot.

I started working full time right after polytechnic. My poly friends ghosted me for ranting too much and i was very affected by it. I think i still feel very insecure. I feel like one day my mum will harm me badly and i will have nobody to go to and i will be all alone. I will just kill myself at that point if i were to be this hopeless.

But after working for 2 years, i stopped feeling so insecure. Then i went to apply to uni. I stopped going to work so often because i just kept thinking of uni and kept thinking of my poly friends. I start to feel insecure at work. Idk why i got this gut feeling that i will be stuck there for a long time while my poly friends all moved on. Then my supervisor found out that i was applying to uni and secretly pressured me to resign and i ended up just taking a part time degree and totally not working.

Then when i was taking this part time degree, i am just lying down on my bed everyday and watching online recorded classes. I start to feel very insecure again and i feel extremely empty and isolated.

I see my friends that went from full time poly to full time uni going for graduation trip and going to each other’s graduation while i am just taking a part time degree and stuck at home bed rotting all the time after getting pressured to resign

I feel like i am just wasting my time and i feel lonely and cannot earn money at the same time. Then my mum is abusive and isn’t like normal mother so all the more i should be working and earning money instead of being home feeling lonely and empty all the time

I can’t believe that i quit a job that i was comfortable in just to take a part time degree and now i need to look for a new job again and i will feel insecure again because need to interact with new people and the new company might not have people my age and people that are nice like my previous company

Another thing is the supervisor that pressured me to resign is someone that always stutters and cannot give clear instructions and he had understanding problems and i always hear people say bad things about him at work. He is the only one that most people don’t like because of his issues and the rest of the people is fine and everyone is okay with each other. I went to text my ex colleagues that actually he was secretly pressuring me last time and they also said that he got no eq.

I feel like i am back to my primary/secondary school days where i am just home all the time and this time is worst because i don’t even have a full time school to go to. I went for fortune telling and tarot reading and i regret it i should have just done it in 2023 before i even apply for uni instead of now. I also had gut feeling that i might be pressured and gut feeling that my poly friends might ghost me and i regret not trusting my gut feeling

Now i feel insecure, empty and lonely because i just resign from a workplace that i am comfortable at just to stay home everyday to take a part time degree and i need to look for another job again and i am lonely and not earning money while living with abusive parents

u/scams-are-everywhere I’m seeing a new counsellor in 1-2 weeks time