i need to get this off my chest

hi…. i know you don’t wanna talk to me… i wanted to tell you this for awhile and i don’t wanna leave things the way they were when we last spoke. please read this… i want to apologize for everything. i should’ve never told you to go home instead of being with your friends. you should’ve never had to feel like you got shit from me when you were with them, and i should’ve definitely never blown your phone up or tried to text your mom.. i went too far and i was way out of line. it was very childish of me and it shouldn’t have happened. i was desperate to talk to you.. i was scared… scared of losing you… scared i would eventually become an after thought… scared we wouldn’t fix things in time for me to come and see you.. i shouldn’t have let bad past experiences get in the way between us… you didn’t do anything wrong. this was all me. i take full blame and accountability. i know if it wasn’t for the way i acted we’d still be together, and it kills me that we aren’t because i messed things up… i wish i could take it all back. you mean the world to me. you’re honestly the best person i’ve ever met. you’re so perfect… you’re nice.. warm.. compassionate.. i took things as far as i did because i was falling in love with you….. our future looked so bright and amazing whenever we would talk about it… you moving back to vegas, us traveling the world together, getting our own place, building a life, starting a family….. and i threw everything away because i was being jealous, immature, and insecure. i know i tried to be controlling, and i deeply regret it. i know i promised you i was never gonna be like that.. i said a stupid thing out of frustration and anger.. i beat myself up for it everyday. it wasn’t fair to you at all. i should’ve taken your word when you told me you couldn’t message much because how busy that weekend was… i’m going to kick those toxic habits/traits i promise you that. they’re not healthy. it ruined our relationship.… my heart is empty without you in my life. you made me so happy. being with you was seriously the happiest i’ve been in years. being on facetime with you? made my day every single time, hearing your voice was the best. watching all kinds of movies and shows with you was my favorite... i absolutely loved the way you’d run out of frame when i complimented you, it was so cute.. i can still see that big smile. your smile could melt glaciers…. i can still hear your laugh.. i loved it. that weekend you came down here? one of the best weekends of my life and i mean that. i’ll never forget it…. i hope we can find our way back to each other. if you feel otherwise, i completely understand. i wouldn’t blame you. my behavior was absolutely unacceptable and the way i handled the situation was not okay. again, i’m sorry. from the bottom of my heart, i’m genuinely so sorry… if you’re open to it, i’d really like to call and talk.. if not, i get it. i made all the wrong choices. i ruined everything…. you don’t need to reply to this.. i know words can’t fix the past. if this is goodbye, take care. i’m sorry i wasn’t who you thought i was, but that’s the man i want to be and i’m working on it.