If loving is winning, why do I feel like such a loser?

For twenty one years of my life, I've been an NBSB. For the first half, it was a deliberate decision. Being with someone felt like too much pressure, I was study first, and there was a chance I'd migrate anyway so why bother. I told all this to a guy who had been so hung up on me despite rejection knowing that the real reason was that I didn't want to settle for him.

"You deserve more." I told him when in my heart I know that I was the one looking for more.

Highschool and senior high passed, all with suitors I rejected and zero relationships. College was exciting. It was a new place with new people and new experiences. I thought finally, this is where I can try.

And for 4 years, I studied for my degree while swiping on dating apps. I tried it all. Bumble, Boo, Tinder. I wanted to reward myself with a relationship after I stayed away from it for so long.

It's on my last attempt that I met him.

I thought he'd just be another pretty profile I'd swipe on, have another dead end chat with, and forget. But he had bulldozed his way into my life with questions, stories, and realness that knocked me off guard.

Even with the never ending conversations and genuine interest, I was prepared to do the same song and dance of talking to each other for a few weeks then seeing the spark of interest slowly die out. What I didn't expect was it bursting into flame.

Suddenly I found myself doing things I thought I'd never do, feelings things that I thought would never feel. We went on one date and never looked back. I never thought I'd be able to relate to any love song. But now they're as familiar as any other.

I know that feeling. I've felt that. I've been there.

I think we both thought that we'd be more logical and mature going into it. The past us who discussed becoming friends if it didn't work out wouldn't have imagined becoming so attached that becoming friends would be crueler than letting each other go.

He came into my life and made me feel like I was the lead in a Filipino romance movie. But movies have to end and real life made sure of that.

Sometimes, I wish I'd chosen different.

That I didn't shoot that first message to him or picked the other guy instead. Or maybe I shouldn't have tried to find someone at all.

Just to save myself from this pain of having had something but being unable to keep it.

I'm angry that I waited all this time just to be given a prologue of something. That I finally gave my heart and shared my life to someone just to have them hand it back and walk out of it.

It's Girlfriend's Day today and I wish I didn't know. Before that was my graduation when he promised to come. And before that was National Flowers Day when he apologized for not knowing about it and promised to take note. More holidays will come with him breaking every one of those promises.

I know I was never meant to keep him and I'm thankful for the happiness and hurt knowing I've only grown so much as a person because of him.

But, no matter how much I love him, I'd never get in the way of him achieving his dreams and building the life he wants.

I know choosing me would've made him compromise on that. Our lives were too different that the only hope we had was one being willing to give up on their own. So we let each other go.

We still loved each other but love just wasn't enough.

And now, I feel an insatiable craving for it.

I want to go back to how I was before. To the girl that was offered love and rejected it because other things were just more important. The girl that didn't experience falling in love with someone.

In the season when I'm recovering from the first heartbreak of my life, I see love wherever I go and I hate it.

I don't want to see couples and remember that I once held hands with someone walking the same street. I don't want to go to another family event or holiday answering that dreadful question of 'Do you have someone?' and having to answer no again.

I just want someone to celebrate my birthday with. Halloween. Christmas. New Years. Every day and every year.

I want to live life knowing I'm part of someone's as much as they are of mine.

I know it will come for me someday. On God's will it will arrive and never leave no matter if I chase it away or not.

All I have to do is wait, no matter how agonizing it is right now.