Feeling lost

I am a week into the eye of the storm from separating from the father of my son. He is 18months old. We had a very short relationship before coming parents, pregnancy was fine. Traumatic birth and post natal depression from me still to this day. He turned to substance use. It kind of started to not work when our son was about 8 months, I was in a hospital ward for a couple weeks with our son for my mental health it never helped, and I continued to get worse. We have been struggling for a year I think we knew deep down but still tried we never got counselling & I believe the identity shift broke us. Also I felt he never understood post natal depression and now feels used and robbed, I feel robbed too. That’s a long story but to where we are now
He’s in a pit of substance use now and we can’t even meet in the middle he is saying horrible stuff to me
It’s worse as I am from New Zealand and live in Australia. Figuring out what the best way ahead is all alone, having to look after my son because he’s out avoiding, we both aren’t coping but it’s not right what he’s doing.
I’m trying to focus on what I can control and underneath it all I have these thoughts of why did I ever get pregnant I love my son to pieces but trying to deal with his emotions with my own suffering is so hard. I should have healed myself, got to know my partner to see if we were compatible for a baby. I know life changes.
But I am trying not to spiral. I am grieving the life I thought I would have. I’m saying why can’t I have had my son with the person I was meant to be with
This is too hard for me I want out, I should have built myself up with a job with an income of my own. Now I’m a single mum with no money and stuck in limbo
I love my son but I’m struggling to see a brighter side
I am saying my gratitude daily, it could be so much worse
But I am highly sensitive and emotional and don’t deal well with change and uncertainty.
I just need some advice or to know I’m not alone
Today especially I feel most alone with my thoughts 😞