Post-procedure support after abusive relationship

Almost a year ago, I had an abortion and I still cry every time I think about it. Though I am very pro-choice, I felt robbed of a choice because I was trapped in a severely abusive, coercively controlling relationship.

My ex was emotionally and financially abusive, constantly accused me of cheating, invaded my privacy, and subtly threatened physical violence by making "jokes" about being able to kill or break my bones, and physically testing his strength on me. He dumped his deep personal baggage and family/friend trauma onto me, using crises to keep me from leaving.

I repeatedly made it clear to him that our relationship was too unstable for a baby, sobbing into his arms and saying that it could NOT happen. Despite this, he actively refused to wear condoms, discouraged me from taking birth control or Plan B, and sabotaged my attempts at independence. He wanted to buy a house near his work and family and I made it clear it would only be his house, not mine at all. When it got closer to my senior year of college, he told me he would buy the house closer to campus so I could commute (further form his office and family). He didn’t like some of my friends, he wanted me to live with him, he isolated me from my support systems. Getting pregnant right before school felt like the ultimate trap. When I was one day late we took a test and it was positive. He seemed happy, I was not. I felt so much guilt for not being happy (this was the moment I dreamt of my whole life), but all I felt was dread. Not for myself but for my child. He comes from a generational cycle of abuse, alcoholism, lies, and infidelity. I sobbed when we found out and right after he pulled out his phone and took a picture of us with the positive test. I asked him to delete it but he wouldn’t, saying it was for the memories. I felt so much guilt for letting it happen.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do at first. I really wanted to keep my pregnancy. However, I was in agony. He was supposed to be my protector, but he was the one I needed protection from and I failed to protect myself and if I couldn’t protect myself, how was I supposed to protect a child? I got so depressed and suicidal. Then I am pretty sure I got HG. I was throwing up nonstop, not being able to drink or eat anything. Even water I would throw up. I would go to bed without eating or drinking anything and still wake up in the middle of the night throwing up bile. I felt so weak and my weight was in the 90s. I knew he would get some type of custody (I was a broke college student while he had a steady job and was in the military). I had no proof of his father’s abuse to him when he was a child (he lived with his alcoholic father still) and I couldn’t trust his dysfunctional family around a baby.

I chose an abortion because I had to protect my potential child from a dangerous situation, but this has been extremely painful. I really did want to continue with my pregnancy more than anything. It had always been a dream of mine to become a young mother. I have always dreamt of my first pregnant and what it would be like when I saw my first positive test with my loving partner. I didn’t get that dream and I feel awful for allowing any of that to happen. I shouldn’t have been intimate with him nor allow him to finish inside of me. In fact I would tell him to at times. He had just worn me down so much and I felt so insecure. I thought if I kept him happy and satisfied it could solve our issues. I should have left him way before and I had made so many attempts to do so.

There is so much more to the story, but processing this has been so difficult. We haven’t been in contact in months and last I heard he got a DUI and had a new gf. I really just wanted us to be able to grow together. I wanted to help him. He promised me heaven but took me straight to hell. I have recently found out a lot more about him (was in love with a stripper, apparently a serial cheater, etc). He also allegedly got someone close to his family pregnant and she had a miscarriage. He told me about this a long time ago but said it was a lie. Then once I got pregnant said it could be true, but wouldn’t find out for me. That caused me a lot of pain while I was already going through a very rough time. I know it sounds like he was a waking red flag (which he was) but he tried to convince me so much he was everything I wanted (family man, morals, values, etc). He was very different with me (stopped drinking, going out, said he was going to go back to school, did long distance with me for 6 months). It’s like I was with someone who never really existed and I’m mourning that too.

I didn’t even need us to be together to keep my pregnancy. I just needed to trust him, his family, and environment and I couldn’t do that (a lot more going on there too). I made my decision out of protection. I just really wish I never got into that position and I blame myself so much. I’ve tried to really turn my life around. I was so confident, and smart, and ambitious before him. I recently graduated college and now I’m going to grad school. I think about my pregnancy all the time though and I just wish I could have had my little family. I wish he was who I thought he was. I wish it all was different. It hurts to know that he has moved on and is making mistakes. When I broke up with him I told him I wanted both of us to make better decisions. I also heard he had been going around saying I was crazy. It all really breaks my heart. I’m scared i’ll never find love, which is something he used to say: “If you leave me, it will be the worst mistake of your life and no one will love you as much as I do or put up with as much as I do.” I’ll probably never become a young mother and I don’t feel like I would deserve to anyways. I really want children in the future, but only if it is with a stable partner and I can assure I am bringing them into a safe, loving, and stable environment. I get scared i’ll never have that or find love. I feel so lonely and lost.