I think i miss my dad ,i want dad to love me

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i have this feeling for too long and it bother me a lot of times.

i grew up with my mom and brother

i have 2 dad. Biological dad i called him so formal like mr. dad (not in eng language) and other dad that always taking care of me ,i called him by name that was supposed to be mine so i never really call him dad (i would say his name is Chris a place holder for this post).

my biological dad divorced my mom when i was born and then my mom found Chris and remarried.

He always was there with me since i remember .he's not living with us( mom me and my bro) but in every weekend he will drive 200 km just to meet us and when he see me and my bro he would told me and bro to stop playing game or watching Tv and come listening to his old story whether its his childhood story or tale of others.

some week he would take me to the same zoo few times in a month i always pick the same bike to ride around the zoo go the same route and crash the bike the same spot few times

he have Wii console that contain a lot amount of games like a lot.i always play mario party with my brother.One piece game,Okami, Donkey kong there's one game name No more heroes that my dad told me you can play this when you grow up i play it anyway.he have a lot of games like a lot I'm sure he love his game too but he gave me his console and let me play it at home i don't realise at the time how expensive is this or how hard to get all this game .i broke it some times later and nowhere to be found.

(later i found a lot of game cd and keep it someday when i get a job i will find a way to get console and play all the game i miss as a child)

there's one time i told both of my dad " i have 2 dad" they both didn't look good i don't remember) i just know they aren't happy to hear that i don't know the gravity pf my word at the time and now i regreted it.

Hes with me until when i turn 12 i got my phone that day i think but also see my mom crying i know i see mom crying a lot but i stumble on signed divorce paper I can read and i quickly talk to my dad try to convince him to get back i talk both mom and dad i don't remember what they said to me memories is blurry but the results is they separated and i don't see him ever again.he move to very far away city now

my mom is debt mess always call both of my dad for money reason and use us her child as an excuse i love my mom but i understand my fathers more i never really angry with them for not living with us, i used to but as i grow up i know how crazy my mom actually is.

later when i grow up i get to know that Chris cheated on his wife with my mom, he got a child when he divorced my mom who have a cute name too ."he have his family" i told myself and let it go for a while.

then i got contact with him i would tell him once a year how's my life going and send a picture of me and my brother since im 17.theres 1 of first line he said to me that "it's fine to call me Chris but I'm getting used to call by Dad but you always be my kid" thats when I'm broke down a little not because I'm mad or anything but because i miss the old times with him and probably won't see him for a very very long time and happiness that well ...i got to call him "dad"

Chris is the reason why Im decent person he teach me how to iron clothes, cooking,ride a bike and play a lot of games with me I'm glad i have father like him

now I'm 20 and in freshman year trying to graduate and get a job so i can go see him 1 day.

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\[Mr.dad .he responsible with most of my bill and tuition he have phd and also high rank military. he have 7-8 child idk i don't remember their face

my biological dad/Mr.dad is not a bad person i just got manipulated to hate him by my mom since i remember and it still going

remember the story when i told both of my dad that I have 2 dads

well there's time i run out from my home to live with my aunty for a year.one day she told me that "exact sentence you said to your dad make him broke down in tears and im the only one gets to see his tear" mr.dad don't cry in front of anyone even in funeral of his dad i don't get to see his tear he always hide his feeling with laugh and smile for some reason

i just realise that he doesn't know how to express feeling nor know other's, hes business boss kinda guy and its always about work and such he not really like talking to show his love but instead he would brought me to expensive restaurant and when im 18 he brought me to a bar lol he would always show up on my birthday buy a cake on spot and tell restaurant to sing birthday song i was always embarrassed me but i now appreciate his effort to care about me and my brother.

sometimes when he's super drunk he would tell me that he have a lot of problem with my mom how he still mad that she always brought a problem or how i change my last name to my mom's and how he still love us as his child (that moment is not that emotional cause after that mr.dad hand me some weed lol) when I'm drinking alcohol my convo is not soften to talk smt out bc there's just im totally fine or i sing puke song in toilet and go to sleep.

i always want to reconnect with him want to talk about other stuff beside money but i really have nothing to talk with him our personality is too different to get deep in any conversations and he got 7 child to take care i always feel like Extra cause most of his kid are successful child and I'm not they always get everything and I'm not.but its not that fine cuz i have self awareness enough to know that i put pressure on my self to be successful to worth his time and effort.ironically i know dam well i don't have to but still the feeling ain't going away. i feel like i always disappointed him in some way i really want to see him as closer person as my \[DAD\] yet i blind myself with success of other child and his success too.i hate myself to being so contradicted this way i know I'm working on it.....i have to.