Struggling

[F20s] Recently learned I have NPD and I feel like that has made it worse. TW: suicidal ideation

I thought I had a pretty good grip on it before but I've been seriously unwell since. I feel like everything about me is cheap and fake. I feel hollow all the way down. Everything I think I'm passionate in I'm not really sure if I am or they're things not appealing to anyone which always hurts. None of these are new feelings but it adds a whole new layer of doubt. I hate people who are clearly performative but I feel like I'm closer to them than anyone who's genuine. I feel like I've completely forgotten or never learned how to have a serious moral backbone. It hurts so badly being so careful and trying so hard to come off nice and sweet and then slip up and say something and hear comments about how unempathetic and cruel that was to say. It genuinely feels like everything likable and perceptively good about me just withered away in the last few weeks.

And I'm seriously obsessed with wanting to be smart and seen and treated and be respected as such, and I was for a time! .... up to when I was like, 17. I was really good at a lot of things. And then I was majorly abused again and I lost all that too. I don't have any real life skills and I don't know how to catch up. It was all fine but now I've had my girlfriend living with me for some months and it feels like it's blaringly obvious how useless and pointless I am. There's so many ways in which she's better than me and I don't know what to do. So many things I never learned how to look competent in because nobody was watching and it feels genuinely humiliating everytime it's clear I don't know what I'm doing. She's wonderful, but I really don't know how to deal. She plays the role I usually played in social circles far better than I ever could and with infinitely more sincerity and real feelings.

Everyone around me, even the ones I know who also have NPD, feels so much more substantial than I do. I feel like I never learned how to do anything except just copy and mimic. I feel like a walking blackhole and I don't know how anyone else does it. The little bit of time I felt respected was just out of luck and because of a title. Nothing to do with me as a person. I haven't wanted to die this much in ages and the feeling keeps crushing me at every turn. Every mistake makes me feel like I'm being seen more and more like the neglected child I am deep down and thus more and more devalued. I feel like I'm slogging through half of my days again.

I guess I just want very badly to be a truly charismatic, funny and insightful person. Someone who actually believes in things and fights for them and has real feelings for the world instead of walking around vaguely posing as such. Weed gets me close to the "smart and thoughtful" feeling, but that's just weed. It's not real. I've just stopped wanting to be around people altogether once again and not be seen until I'm really well and truly perfect. Don't know how to get even a fraction of the way there or how to truly do that. I'm somehow the happiest and most utterly miserable I've ever been in my life. I feel so deeply ashamed of how much of a husk I am.