Barriers to Living a Full Life

TLDR: anxiety & health issues impact my life and I fucking hate my brain and body and just want to be fucking normal.

I want to be clear that I am not sharing this for pity and I definitely hope I don’t get a bunch of judgment. I am simply wondering if anyone here has experienced similar and maybe how others overcame these issues.

I have anxiety. It started when I had an undiagnosed heart arrhythmia that was swept off as anxiety for over a decade. But I also had traumas in my childhood and young adulthood which primed me by existing in fight or flight for so many years.

While I have made HUGE strides, I still have some barriers. I also have physical barriers (invisible and manageable but I cannot live as fully as most ppl I know). For example, my body doesn’t hold onto potassium. When I run low, my heart freaks out plus other symptoms. I also need way more sleep, rest, and downtime than most. And I don’t drink alcohol or caffeine which limits me socially as well.

Ok ok. So, the root of my anxiety is death. Because of this, I am kind of obsessed with time and how I spend it. It’s important for me to make the most of what I can which often leads to disappointment. I am very afraid of dying suddenly. I have dealt with this and am light years improved from the past. But once in a while it pops up.

One way it truly impacts my life is driving on the freeway. It is so fast and I will have absolute panic attacks and am sure I would pass out. My older daughter (and granddaughter) lives in Milwaukee about 40 mins away via freeway or an hour with side roads. The side road choice is over a huge bridge (Hoan if anyone is familiar). So, the ride sucks and I have yet to drive there on my own. Because of this, I cannot see them as often and this breaks my heart.

My younger daughter wants to do two things next week in MKE and I want to make myself but it makes me cry just thinking about it. Not only would the fear take over but pushing thru that would exhaust the fuck out of me.

I just want to be normal so bad. Mentally and physically. I hate being like this. I am 52 and could be dead any day. I desperately want to live my life without fear because I’ve already missed SO FUCKING MUCH.

Anyone else relate at all??