Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 0 - One Year Later (Kinda)

First / Previous / Next

---

Well, one year, five months and twenty seven days later.

Or, seventeen months and twenty seven days later.

Or, if you really want me to feel bad, five hundred forty two days later.

I’ve always been forgetful but sometimes, well, sometimes I forget how forgetful I am. Though, there really isn’t much point to telling this story anymore, is there? It’s amazing how many documentaries can get spit out in five hundred and forty two days. Ones of wildly different levels of quality.

Of all the… well “YouTube” videos about it. Must be in the thousands now, it’s been done to death. I even hear they’re doing a movie of it, and my God is it gonna be terrible. There is absolutely no point in telling this story for the thousandth time. So many have done it better, and so many more have done it worse. So, really the question that must be coming to your mind is simple.

Who am I to tell this story?

It’s been a year, I guess it’s time for some reintroductions to those who’ve been here since the beginning (if there are even any of you left) and to everyone else just tuning in.

Hi, I’m Theseus Cain, and this story is about me, and two of the biggest pains in the asses I’ve ever met. At least of the non Human sort. So, here’s what actually happened, except for all the parts I misremembered and made up.

How I, somehow, and I like to mention again, through no fault of my own got tangled up with Princess Ludus and Scout Scrarcan. I know it’s been a while, but trust me, I’m only a liar. And because it worked shockingly well last time, I’m doing it again, writing something everyday until I’m actually finished telling this story, and if not an episode finding and usually rewriting something worth putting in between.

Every single day, until I’m done.

Now where were we? Right, it was Thursday night and Princess Ludus was on top of me (hehe). “You good?” I asked Ludus as I pushed her off me, doing my best to do so as gently and with as minimal contact as possible.

“Yes, terribly sorry.” She dusted off sand from her pants.

“It’s okay, it’s your first time climbing a fence. Though being ‘terribly sorry’ does imply you could be ‘delightfully sorry’ whatever that would be.” I laughed as Ludus pulled me up.

“Well, if I ever am I will be sure to alert you.” Ludus bowed playfully.

“Oh, don’t bow. I hate it when people bow. It’s why I’ve never bowed to you.” I said and silently hoped my last sentence wasn’t a lie.

“I understand Theseus, for you I will not bow.” Ludus smiled softly and nodded.

“Oh, don’t say it like that. God you’re so weird.” I cringed back slightly while chuckling more, “I mean, aren’t you supposed to come with a crown? And annoying pomp, Scout has loads of it. And…” I paused, the playfulness in my words stopping without my consent. “Guards.”

My eyes narrowed just slightly. The rusty gears in my head started to turn, not by much, but they turned. “Huh, no guards? ” I asked the air.

“What?” Ludus didn’t answer.

“Guards, you would’ve gotten kidnapped but I rolled into that restaurant by luck. Same thing with Victory press, we all got kidnapped but again I didn’t see anyone with you when you came in.” I remembered out loud, the words came out slowly, like they were pacing around us like a detective.

“Well like I said Theseus, I am a pacifist and it was my first time being kidnapped. So far my lack of guards has worked out splendidly. I was just unlucky, that was until you came along of course.” Ludus smiled. “So perhaps not so unlucky after all.” She lied too. But that was kind of a given.

Straight through her teeth, she was good, I’m sure royalty has to be. The last bit of flattery was a nice touch too. It wasn’t a full lie of course, from what little I know about Link culture lying is quite the no-no to say the least. It was even better, it was technically the truth, the truth used to deceive, but still technically not a lie.

But she was lying for all practical purposes, not about being a pacifist, I knew that by the way she stared at my gun. The fact she didn’t even consider fighting back against her kidnappers at all. She’s a pacifist, she’s harmless.

The guards though, she’s royalty, from the most famous family, in all the galaxy or whatever, she had bodyguards. She has bodyguards, the poor guys probably just got fired too because she’s with some random Human, climbing a fence.

That last fight, she got behind me so quickly, made herself small, stayed calm, and listened to exactly what I said. She knew precisely what to do, like she had to practice. Like it was drilled into her the moment she knew how to walk.

How to keep your head down in a gunfight, while the guys you hired fire back. I had no idea why she’s lying. No idea what possessed her into thinking she could lie to me, the bastard prince of nonsense and half truths. I’m kinda proud, and slightly horrified.

So, upon further consideration, maybe not completely harmless

“So what is the plan with rescuing our dear Scout?” Ludus so carefully steered the conversation away from her even I barely noticed she had her hands on the reins.

“Right, well because of my stupid eye I couldn’t aim.” I flung my head up and squinted at the sky like it was its fault. “So the Lotuses or whatever got Scout. They purposely lead us to this abandoned building, and this is obviously a trap.” A pointed to our grand and large casket.

“Oh, I see. So how are we going to avoid this trap?” Ludus asked carefully, I made note of how she actually told the truth. She was less sure, people tend to be too sure when they lie, at least to me.

“We aren’t.” I pulled out my gun.

“What?” Ludus turned.

“Just stay behind me and watch my back.” I walked to a back door, with chipped paint, rusty hinges, and then my foot damn near through it. “Do you know what this place is?” I asked while pulling my foot out of the poor old thing.

“It is a theater set for construction, a family friend is doing it, but they are not do to start in a couple of weeks.” Ludus looked around and luxuriated in the old place.

“Right.” I replied, still keeping note of the truth.

I stopped and looked around at the back of the giant hall. It was nearly pitch black apart from the moonlight shining in a few holes in the roof. Built in chairs all over the place, perfect for concealment, and I don't think my stuns would go through, so good cover too. It really was the perfect place for an ambush.

I looked back at Ludus, then back at the theater.

“So, you never had guards, huh?” I looked around more and waited for kidnappers to pop out of the chairs. Especially high up.

“When I was younger, yes, but during my rebellious teen years.” Ludus clicked her tongue, shrugged and smiled. Still a half truth, though I’ve been told half truths are among the darkest of lies. Which sounds like something a liar would say. I got that pit in my stomach again.

“Get down!” I yelled before I grabbed Ludus and damn near chucked her behind some chairs like I would have won a silver medal. I quickly followed suit, and crouched next to her. Then the dull echoey bass of a Caelum pistol. I whipped around my head and saw a hole in a chair where my head just was. The stun round embedded itself into the ground.

I heard running on the balcony in front of us, I quickly popped out. I saw a shadow running and, instinct took over, it was an easy shot, my own gun cracked, loud enough I heard startled birds flying away outside.

I missed.

I cursed my new grey eye.

I ducked back down, and Ludus didn’t scream once. She looked calm, scared but calm. Too calm. “We are too exposed.” Ludus said before I could. She grabbed my hand, she ran low but still as fast as ever. I followed close behind, more shots from our would-be assassin thudded the building.

I popped up in a lull of their hail of taser rounds, missing every last one of my shots. “Goddamn it.” I grabbed another cylinder and quickly changed it.

“Over there.” She pointed at a pillar.

“Covering fire.” I said out of instinct. I fired a few more shots, which for the sake of my ego I didn’t even try to hit. The shooter ducked obviously, and Ludus without skipping a beat moved, sprinting low and controlled making it to the pillar.

Ludus peeked from the wall, “He’s reloading.” She nearly shouted before ducking back behind the wall. I sprinted as fast as my legs could carry me, and slid next to her alongside a cloud of dust.

“How do you know what that is?” I looked up at her.

“What?” She feigned more innocence after a brief moment of nervousness.

“Oh, nothing.” I said interrupted by a barrage of more stun rounds hitting the pillar. “Actually you know what.” I turned back to her, “You’re lying.” I said before returning some fire.

“What?” She said, now actually surprised at my audacity.

“You’re lying, about not having bodyguards. I know it’s technically a half truth, but you're lying. I know it.” I stared daggers at her.

“What?” She looked at me almost personally offended now.

“You’re not denying it.” I kept staring through her. More shots rang out from the balcony.

“Is this really relevant right now?” She looked around making sure they hadn't got behind us yet. The pillar was almost exactly in the middle of the room.

“Why, you hired them?” I asked.

“What are you talking about?” She was raising her voice now.

“You’re lying. Who says you’re not the person who hired this guy? You haven’t got shot yet.” I kept prodding.

“I’m not-” She cut herself off, “Why would you think, I’m-” She screamed as another shot hit the floor behind her where her foot was a moment ago. I fired a few more shots at the darkness.

“You’re lying, and I don’t care if you’re a Princess, I’ve beat up royalty before.” I took a step closer to her.

“I’m not-” She stopped herself when she finally got the nerve to look me in the eye.

I pointed my gun at her head.

“Get down.” She barely even flinched. She ducked. I fired one last shot, they flanked us. “C’mon.” I grabbed her hand, fired a few more shots and ran towards a small hallway, an entrance for staff, with a small closet. Finally out of sight.

I just stared at her, she kept trying to talk before stopping herself. She was desperate for me to talk because at least then she could refute whatever it is I was going to say next. My eyes narrowed, I reloaded my revolver, still watching her face.

I could hear her breath hitch.

I felt the sweat soak into my clothes.

I was losing track of bullets, theirs and mine.

We both heard the gunman searching around above us.

“I ran away.” She blurted out in a desperate whisper. “Okay.” She clutched at my arms, and I saw tears start to well up. “I ran away. From home, my family has properties on different planets, so I decided to move here and I ran. I left early in the morning when my guards still thought I was asleep.” She said, clearly out loud for the first time, the waves of fear and shock bathed her face like a baptism of regret.

“Yes, I have bodyguards, my whole family does, it would be enough for a small army at this point.” Her head fell into her hands, I could almost hear her wishing that they were here through those quiet pleading thoughts.

“But when I left I did not know where to go and I decided I could think better with a full stomach, so I went to the restaurant but there were somehow already kidnappers after me. I do not know how they were already after me but they were. They would have gotten me…” Her gaze went distant. It was finally wearing off, all the excitement, all the adrenaline, all the rebelliousness.

“They would have gotten me.” Her eyes went to her shoes, her voice went thin. “But you saved me.” Her voice went all sweet and sad, she finally looked at me-

“Nope.” I interrupted her and covered my eyes.

“What?”

“You’re not doing this to me, I refuse to accept this. I am not falling for cuteness. It has bitten me in the ass more times than I can count.” I said with a shaky sigh, that comes when a woman that pretty says something like that to you. “Frick you.” I pointed at her, still blind.

“And I’m…” I thought for a moment and could not come up with any more excuse for me not to get with a beautiful, kind, and very rich Princess, until finally- “Because I’m married.” I said the words coming out with my chest and chin held high, before the music that is always playing in my head came to an abrupt stop.

“What?” I questioned myself, posture deflating.

“What?” Ludus said confused while still being cute, the bastard.

“What?” Scout said muffled from the closet.

“Oh, hey, found her.” I said to myself absentmindedly.

I whipped my head around, before going a few more inches (like seventy six millimeters), on account of it being on my bad eye’s side. I saw a closet and kicked the door open, along with the rusty hinges off which was just a happy accident. Scout looked disheveled and equally displeased, tied up, and blind folded in a chair that looked like the physical embodiment of tetanus.

“You reek.” I said quickly untying her. “Also why didn’t you say anything?” I look at her, annoyed but mostly confused.

“I wanted to know too.” She shrugged and took off her blindfold. “Speaking of which, you didn’t answer the question.” She pointed to Ludus with a sly, proud smile.

“What?” Ludus said, just tired.

“Sure, you ran away, but why did you run away?” Scout crossed her arms, still excited for her answer.

Ludus just looked at her, and only allowed herself the smallest sigh. She spoke slowly, her shoulders sunk.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

It’s amazing really, how three words could carry so much. Scout’s smile instantly faded, she looked, almost in pain at what Ludus said, and she grabbed her hand. It was instinct, but she seemed almost relieved that Ludus could also feel this way. The two looked at each other, with some mutual feeling I’m sure I could never truly understand. Some shared misfortune swirling around their fiery eyes. Like they both spent their whole lives holding their breaths.

“I know.” Scout replied simply, with that quiet, relieved chuckle people do after a good cry.

I looked at the two of them, and wondered all that I missed.

“We gotta go.” I spoke softly.

“Yeah, one problem though. He still has my gun.” Scout looked at me, her hand was still comforting Ludus.

“Crap.” I said, knowing full well the only way I could hit a shot that far away, in that dark a place, with my crap eye, was with a bench rest and quite literally all the time in the world to aim.

“I can make it.” Scout stretched her wrist with a shaky breath. “I can make it.” She finally locked eyes with me. I closed my eyes, forced myself to take a slow breath, and for the first, and with any luck the last time I handed her my gun. My fourth birthday present. My Single Action Army, modified to quite literally the Moon and back. Extra cylinders and all. My Mother’s gun first. My gun now.

“If you drop her I swear to God.” I pointed at her, with one hand, my gun with the other.

“I know.” Scout nodded, for once being serious. “Now, would you be a doll and be a distraction?” She smiled.

I rolled my eyes at Scout and laughed. “You go short, I go long.” I looked at Ludus, slightly less angry. She nodded back, wiping the last of her tears.

“Now!” We both rushed out of the closet. I felt my feet pound the ground. Though my heart was the main focus of my concerns. Scout’s a much better shot now, but not having my gun, especially now. My crappy eye, from one unlucky hit.

I forget how scary it is being normal.

How scary it must be to be a pacifist.

I turned to look at Ludus.

The shots were simultaneous. Scout firing Trouble in Paradise, and the dull boom from the balcony. The rounds must have hit at the same time too. I was face first in old carpet. Screaming all the air out of my lungs, while my muscles tensed and teased like a drum being beat. I looked at the taser round connected to my side. I felt a wave of both pain, and empathy for the hundreds of people I’ve tased before, and will tase again mind you.

“I got him.” I could hear Scout’s smile even from down here, along with the sound of the gunman in the balcony swearing from my own taser round. I heard her shift to look at me, “Oh sh-”

“Theseus!” Ludus screamed, then the sounds of running, and the climbing of chairs, before she slid down next to my still convulsing body. “Here-”

“No, don't touch it!” I tried to yell through the pain just as Ludus touched it. I heard a loud high pitched scream that reminded me of a dog, then the loud thump of her tail, followed by the rest of her body crashing onto the ground. I looked at the taser round still active on the carpet. Along with Ludus feeling the full extent of its anti tampering measurements.

My muscles finally relaxed.

I let out a sigh of relief.

We lived.

Ludus isn’t a spy.

She’s just scared.

I can finally trust her.

We found Scout.

Scout’s safe.

“I missed her.” I mumbled still sore and half delirious from the pain.

“No, don’t worry, Scout’s here.” Ludus’ voice went soft as she crawled next to me. She was still out of breath, still worrying about me more than herself. I looked up at Scout, whose silhouette blocked one of the holes in the roof. I turned to Ludus.

“I meant my gun.” I groaned.

---

Really Long Author’s Note: So, the whole five hundred forty two days later thing, that’s also true in real life. At first it was procrastination, but eventually I just forgot about this story. But, I’m back and will update it everyday until I finally finish it, so it doesn’t take me like three years to finish something that was supposed to only be novella length in the first place. I do (for once) actually have a plan for this story, unlike the usual, which is good.

The reason why it’s episode zero, is that I kinda want to do a season two type thing for this story. And I figured it’s been so long, hopefully this random episode is intriguing enough that new people will read the rest of it. A checkpoint for new people, and for me to get my bearings straight, and acknowledge both in and out of universe that it's been a while.

And like the thirty day writing challenge I did in October 2024 (Christ that long ago?) I will be writing everyday, and posting it. And I will be counting bonus one shots as a post, not just full episodes. Episodes now are double the length of the challenge I did before, and I’m the one making up the arbitrary rules to this arbitrary challenge. So yeah, time to torture myself once again. Thanks for reading. :}

Day 1

First / Previous / Next