My girlfriend wants to move back home and I feel like I’m being asked to choose between her and my son. Am I being selfish?

Hi All, I’m 29M and my girlfriend is 26F. Im not a stepparent but my girlfriend is, and I’m looking for some perspectives of other stepparents. We’ve been together for several years and I genuinely believe she’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

The problem is where we live.

We currently live in Canada, somewhere in the prairies. Neither of us actually wanted to end up here. The only reason I’m here is because my 13-year-old son lives here with his mom. I don’t have family here. I don’t have close friends here. If my son wasn’t here, I honestly don’t think I’d still be living here.

My girlfriend is originally from Los Angeles.
Lately she’s been telling me how much she misses home, and I can see it’s eating her alive.

She misses her mom, her sister and nieces/nephews, her grandma (whose health isn’t great), her best friend, and just her life in general. She says she feels free there. She also wants to go back to nursing school, and she could do that almost immediately if she moved home because her mom has a house she can live in rent-free while she gets back on her feet. She’d also have a car available, family support, and way more opportunities than where we currently live.

Meanwhile, we’re struggling financially here. We’re often late on rent and bills, and there are times we don’t even have enough food. She can’t currently work because of her immigration status, so she feels guilty watching me carry everything financially. We also don’t have a car, and there’s honestly not much to do where we live.

She tells me she doesn’t see her future here anymore. She sees it in Los Angeles.

That hurt more than I can explain.

The hardest part is that I understand why she feels that way.

We’ve also always talked about having a child together someday. For years she told me she wanted to build a family here with me, but recently she told me she doesn’t want to raise our future child here anymore.

She asked me something that I honestly didn’t know how to answer.

She said, “Why doesn’t our child get to grow up around my family, just like [my son] got to grow up around his mom’s family?”

The truth is, our child wouldn’t really have extended family nearby on either side if we stayed here because I don’t have family here either.

I completely understand why she wants our future child to know her mom, sister, grandma, and everyone she loves.

The problem is… I already have a child.
My son is 13.

She asked if I would consider moving to Los Angeles and seeing him during summers and alternating Christmases. I know there are parents who make long-distance parenting work, but I don’t think I can do that.

I’ve told her that I believe a boy especially needs his father during his teenage years, and I don’t want my son growing up thinking I chose to leave him.
The thing is… if my son were 18 tomorrow, I would move to Los Angeles with her in a heartbeat.
I’ve even told her that.

I’ve also told her that we don’t know what life will look like in a year. Maybe something changes. Maybe circumstances change. I don’t know. I guess I’m holding onto hope.

I also told her something that’s been on my mind a lot.
I said, “I want you. [my son] is going to grow up and have his own life one day, and when that happens, what will be left is me and you.”

I meant that I see my future with her. But she wants to start living that future now.

Sometimes she tells me she feels like she’s sacrificing her opportunities because of someone else’s child, and honestly… I can’t even be mad because I understand where she’s coming from.

She isn’t asking me to stop loving my son. She also loves my son very much.

She’s asking me to choose a completely different life.

I feel like if I go with her, I’ll fail my son.

If I stay, I might lose the woman I love.

Neither option feels right.

Am I being selfish for refusing to move? Or am I asking too much by hoping she’ll stay until my son is older?

Oh… also… right before this happened, I was looking into engagement rings. I’m torn.