How do you stop grieving a parent who has hurt you over and over again?

I’m struggling with something I don’t know how to move past.

I’m 24, and after years of emotional abuse and dysfunction at home, my mum kicked me out over a month ago. While I was out desperately looking for emergency accommodation, she threatened to change the locks so I couldn’t get back in.

This wasn’t an isolated incident. Growing up, my stepdad was verbally abusive towards me. He’s aggressive, constantly angry, openly racist, homophobic and sexist.

One thing that’s always made it even more confusing is that my mum is Black, so people often assume he can’t possibly be racist because he’s married to her. But from what I’ve seen and heard over the years, that’s simply not true.

When I was 14, he screamed at me, called me a “fucking bitch,” “piece of shit,” “worthless,” told me nobody would ever love me and that I should kill myself. My mum sat there and watched.

She has defended him for years. She has always chosen him over me.

Over the past couple of years, our relationship completely broke down. There were constant screaming arguments, accusations that I was lying, name-calling, and even contacting my boyfriend just to rant about me. Every time I tried to explain how hurt I was or asked her to respect my boundaries, I was dismissed or told I was the problem.

Despite everything, I can’t stop grieving her.

I hate her. I know she has treated me terribly. I know she has failed to protect me. Rationally, I know I deserve better.
But I still find myself wishing I had a mum who loved me the way I see other mums love their children. I see my boyfriend’s family and how supportive they are, and it just breaks my heart. I keep asking myself why I didn’t get that.

Why wasn’t I enough?

I don’t miss the reality of who she is. I miss the mum I needed but never had.

The strange thing is that since moving out, I’m genuinely so much happier. My mental health has improved, I feel more at peace, and for the first time in years I don’t feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. Leaving / getting kicked out was absolutely a blessing in disguise.

But even with that relief, the grief is still there. I still find myself mourning the relationship I wish we’d had, and I don’t know how to let go of that.

For those of you who are estranged from a parent, especially after years of abuse, how did you stop grieving the relationship you wished you had? Does that grief ever become easier?