i love my mama and she is an amazing person and she supports me (im sorry i know this is a massive privilege) but she also pushed me out of a (slowly) moving car when i was 14 after i came out to her and i have difficulty reconciling this

i cant talk about this to anyone i know irl because she is genuinely an amazing lovely person and a good parent and i dont deserve her and i know if i tell people this then theyll automatically have a little of a negative bias against her and she doesnt deserve that but sometimes i think about it

im just so confused by it because its genuinely so out of character because she was and is always so like gentle like she barely ever yelled at me and she literally only hit me once as a kid so it makes no sense that she would have done that. and she also refuses to admit that she did it and gets really mad if i ever bring it up and says that im being horrible for accusing her of doing something terrible that she would never do. it makes me actually feel crazy because it seems so much like something she would never do but i remember it

i was crying and apologising and she leaned over and opened my door (we were going slowly because we were in a school zone) and unbuckled my seatbelt and i was holding on to ny seat and she unpeeled my fingers and pushed me out onto the road and drove away. i lay there on the road crying hoping a car would come hit me but they all kept driving around me. a kind woman came over to me and got me up off the road, she thought i was crying because i was scared bc i couldnt move bc i was hurt and i acted like i was because i was too embarrassed to say i wanted to die because my mom was mad at me

this also isnt anywhere near as bad but soon after that she was trying to get me to explain why i would want to change gender and i was crying trying to explain how alien my body felt and how much it hurt when people saw me and it just made me want to die and she started laughing and called my camhs therapist and said "hes telling me hell kill himself if i dont call him a she"

i know basically everyones parents here are a million times worse and never came around so im sorry i feel guilty for posting this when she treats me like a woman now but idk where else i can and i want to talk about it bc shes always refused to admit that either of those things or similar ones happened. idk why really i guess maybe shes ashamed and she thinks if it stops being brought up well forget. it makes me feel like im crazy tho. and also i feel bad for like dwelling on her few mistakes instead of just appreciating her how she is. im not mad at her even i love her i just wish shed own up to it and i would say smth like im sorry too i know i wasnt easy. maybe then i wouldnt feel like im making things uppp