TFMR at 27 weeks

Three months ago, on May 7th, I had to terminate my pregnancy at 27 weeks for medical reasons. The grief has been unlike anything I could have imagined.

The pregnancy was technically unplanned, but absolutely wanted. As first time parents, we were terrified and excited all at once. After several early miscarriages, finally making it through the first trimester felt like we’d reached the safe part.

My pregnancy itself was incredibly easy. I had no sickness or complications, my son was growing perfectly on track, and he was unbelievably active. There was never a moment I wondered if he was okay because I could always feel him moving. At 23 weeks, I had my anatomy scan. They couldn’t get adequate images of his feet because he kept them tucked underneath himself, and later my OB messaged me:

“Your fetal anatomy ultrasound is incomplete - not abnormal, although there is a comment about the vessels. Further imaging is needed. I would recommend a referral to a high risk OB specialist (also known as a perinatologist or maternal fetal medicine specialist).”

I was reassured that referrals like this were common whenever something looked a little unusual and that it was simply an extra precaution, not necessarily a reason to worry. Looking back now, those words have stayed with me because, at the time, I truly believed everything was going to be okay. The earliest appointment I could get with Maternal Fetal Medicine was about 2.5 weeks later.

On April 30th, everything changed. The ultrasound started out normally until they asked if I had been told why I was referred. I explained what my OB had said, and the room went completely silent. I’ll never forget that silence. That’s when I knew something was terribly wrong.

After the scan, I met with a genetic counselor who explained that my son had multiple severe abnormalities strongly suggestive of Trisomy 13 or 18, including complex heart defects with an enlarged heart, abnormalities in his brain and skull development, and rocker bottom feet. I asked if there was any scenario where the prognosis was good, and the answer was essentially no.

By then I was already 26 weeks, so time was critical. My options were to proceed with a two day D&E that week, or, if I waited, travel to OHSU in Oregon for the injection to stop his heart, then return to Seattle to be induced and deliver him stillborn. The only alternative was continuing the pregnancy despite the prognosis. We chose the D&E on May 6th and 7th.

The week leading up to the procedure was absolute agony because my son was still so active. Feeling him kick while knowing what was coming is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

The procedure and the weeks afterward were the darkest days of my life. Around the end of the second month, I thought I was beginning to heal.
Now I feel like I’m moving backward. I’m crying most days again, and I frequently replay the moment I woke up from anesthesia, instinctively reached for my stomach, and realized it was empty.

To make everything even more confusing, we received the microarray results, and they came back completely normal. He did not have Trisomy 13 or 18 after all. The specialists still believe the abnormalities were real, but whatever caused them was likely a rare genetic syndrome or developmental disorder that the testing couldn’t detect.

I’m seeing a therapist, but I think what I really need is hope from people who have lived through something similar. Today, August 3rd, was my original due date.